I love him with my entire heart and soul. I just need to vent a little, mostly because I never want him to see this, so what better place than here?

He told me in the beginning that his demons he carried back with him from war is essentially what drove him and his ex of 5 years apart (along with her stepping out on him while he was overseas - she’s pregnant with the guy and getting married to him now) and honesty, I could never ever imagine him doing or saying the things he said he’s done. He is the most gentle, understanding, chivalrous man I’ve ever met, and in the beginning, he would always talk about how he’s a man and he doesn’t need to cry and all that macho-man bullshit. It would frustrate the hell out of me and I’d tell him that men are allowed to feel too, and he’d kind of just shrug it off.

Last night I was in the mood to have sex and when he came to lay down I started kissing on his neck, and I started hearing him sniffle so I looked up and he was crying. It breaks my heart to see him cry. And so I basically held him and he told me that he starts thinking about the military and the things he’s gone through, the friends he’s lost and the people/kids overseas that aren’t alive anymore because of him and it’s such a different perspective than what I’ve experienced with men in the military. Maybe it’s just not what he was built for. My dad was in the marine corps for 22 years and he told me that my boyfriend crying for his fallen friends is selfish and wrong, but I don’t understand it. My brother and I have always joked that my dad could kill someone while eating a sandwich. Maybe it’s because I’ve always just been a civilian that I don’t understand my dad’s POV. But my boyfriend is hurting and he’s allowed to hurt. 3 years served is 3 years given away, and a lot happened in that 3 years that effects him to this day. He refuses to say he has PTSD, but if someone grabs his arm from behind he’ll gasp and it’ll freak him out for a quick second and if the car door slams too loudly the same thing happens sometimes. I don’t know. I just love him and wish I could take his hurt away. He’s brave for serving this country, but I don’t know how to help him face his feelings when he won’t help himself. He refuses to go to the VA for therapy or anything like that because he said someone needs it more than he does. I don’t know. I want to help him, I just wish he wanted to be helped.