This is going to be long and full of crazy drama. I appreciate anyone who reads it all and shares their thoughts!

Little back story: my boyfriend has an anger issue. He will go from 0 to 100 really fast. We’ve been together 3 years and in that time we’ve both learned how to manage it really well and things have only gotten better. Well, sometimes he still hits 100. Not over me normally but over his friends or other people and I’ll help him relax and come back down before he does something dumb. (This RARELY happens.) He’s seen doctors but have had very negative reactions to medications they’ve tried so they suggested weed. This helped a lot but only lasts a few hours. Well with our daughter being born he’s tried to smoke less and handle his anger with calming techniques a therapist provided. He’s not good at this.

When our daughter was about 3 days old the mother of his previous child (who I have a no contact order on because she threatened to beat me up to kill a different child I was carrying which ended in a stress induced miscarriage) found out we had another child. We both assumed she had already heard because she knows lots of people and loves drama and her almost 4 year old daughter knew she was having a little sister and we thought she would have told her mom. So she makes a fake fb and sends me screen shots of a conversation they had planning to meet and him sending kissy faces. I ask him about it and he admitted to it and said it was from 6 months prior (who cares). We talk and I choose to forgive him for our daughter because they never met which I believed because she would have said that.

Rewind a couple days to before my daughter is born. One of my closest cousins who is 21 doesn’t wake up one morning. (Autopsy was inconclusive and they described it as “adult SIDS”. Which means they have no idea why it happened.)

So I chose to forgive him. My daughter is now 2 weeks old. My mother and I take a road trip for my cousins memorial a few hours away. We stayed for one week. I come home and feel something isn’t right. A couple nights later I’m up feeding the baby in the middle of the night and see he has a snap from a girl I was under the impression was blocked. I decide to go take his phone. Well he’s got a new text from his child’s mother from saying “come see me daddy”. He didn’t reply but still why would he not share this. Then on Twitter he has looked her up and liked some of her stuff. The girl that snapped him, he had commented on her pic with heart eyes and she said “why you gassing tonight😍🤤”? So now I’m really digging... i see his best friends on snap and find their conversations. Well while I was gone mourning my cousin he was talking to this girl, who I had never heard of, and invited her over multiple times and one day she actually came. TO MY HOUSE. I’m shaking at this point. The night she came was the las night I was gone and he had several of his other friends over. All men except this girl. I look in his pics and someone took pictures of him at 530 AM. So the next morning I go to work and he texts me when him and our daughter wake up. I ask him to please leave me alone today. He starts worrying asking why and I tell him he should know. So I come home and ask him if he’s ever had a girl over here and he says no. He can’t think of anyone! (Like what?) so I tell him about this girl and he said he forgot to tell me and it was nothing like that. Blah blah blah I’m telling him everything I saw. I tell him I don’t know if I can forgive him. Days go by and things are weird and distant. Then he FLIPS on me one day when I get home from work because I didn’t look at him when I came in. He said he hates my job and blamed it on my job. He left to take a walk to calm down. He comes back and I tell him I can’t look at him because of everything else.

Today his friend had brain surgery so he was already on edge. Then his other friend said something really stupid so he was pretty upset. Then he starts turning his anger on me for no reason. I’m holding our two month old rocking her to sleep and he starts yelling. I ask him to stop. He flips. Tells me to get off my high horse and just goes off calling me fake and just screaming. I ask him to go on a walk. He won’t. He tells me to leave and I say I’m not comfortable leaving our daughter when he’s this mad. Of course that makes him more angry. As I’m sitting there not saying anything he continues to amp himself up and is now calling me some pretty horrible names. He never calls me names. I tell him he can not call me names in front of our daughter and starts saying how he doesn’t care and he homes she grows up knowing how fake I am. I tell him I can’t do this and I can’t be with him. I ask if I go in the room if he will stop yelling and he says yes. I do and he does not. I try to open the door to our room to go into the bathroom and he pushes me really hard back into the room and I go to push him away from me. He then turns me around and puts his arm around my neck (not choking me) and continue to screams at me. He then pushed me onto the bed and I start kicking his legs so he won’t come closer. He then get on top of me and starts pushing me into the bed and screaming and repeatedly say stop touching, get off me. Eventually he does and punches the door several times and leave the house. I’m terrified to my core.

I never wanted to keep our daughter from him but I’m scared now. I felt like he’d never touch me like that ESPECIALLY while I was holding our child. But he did. Our relationship is completely over with out a doubt. I’m not going to be one of those people who stays with him after that. But I don’t think he’d ever hurt our daughter but he just did that to me while I was holding her (THANK GOD SHES OKAY😓). I’m so scared and I’m such disbelief and feel like I failed my daughter.. I’ve already looked up how to get a protection order in my county but in 2 days I have to work and we worked out our schedules so we both take care of her and don’t need a sitter or daycare. No one else has ever taken care of her and I’m so stressed right now and know he could walk in the door at any time.