I have been REALLY ttc for about about 6 months now. Like, really REALLY trying. My husband and I have been together for 11 years now (got together in 07’ and married in 14’). I am 33 and he is 39.

We’ve been trying since I was about 30. Not to the extent of trying like we are now but just having more sex during my fertile window and tracking my cycle and if it happened it happened. However after 2 years and not a single “scare” I’m beginning to worry.

Everyone else in his family now has at least one if not multiple children. One cousin is on her fourth, other is on her third, etc.

For the last 3 years I have been asked every rude and assumptive question I can think of. Every single time someone else announces a pregnancy within the conversation and congratulations I eventually become the topic of conversation and the questions come at me like a firing squad.

“When are you guys gonna have a baby? Are you trying? Don’t you want kids? Your getting older you know, so the window is closing. I thought you guys loved kids! So why haven’t you had one yet? Is there something wrong with one of you? The clock is ticking. I want a grandchild! When are you gonna get pregnant? When are you gonna have a baby? When are you gonna have a baby? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY???”

This peaked when 3 of my coworkers all got pregnant within months of each other (2 with their first and 1 with a surprise baby at age 40). While I was so happy for all of them obviously I was also incredibly bitter and depressed. Because now it wasn’t even at home that I got bombarded by the same question over and over, but it was at work too.

We had a meeting where one of my coworkers casually asked me when I was going to get pregnant and I lost my shit. (This was a 3 day meeting at a casino after the work day was over so most of us were drinking and having fun) this was not a question I was prepared for 3 jack and cokes in and I flipped like a light switch. I remember coldly and loudly replying “Has it occurred to anyone that maybe I CANT have kids? That maybe the one thing that I want more than anything in this world might not be a fucking possibility for me!?” And all I remember were stunned faces and I had to leave and cry it out in a bathroom.

When I finally returned not a single person said a word about it. Like it had never happened. I got a few pats on the back and that was it. Like a part of me had vanished and nobody was bothering to look for it. But it’s hard to understand when every pregnancy announcement you get is just a reminder that you are still not pregnant.

I just want people to know how much it sucks being asked that question whether you are actively trying or not, but it stings so much more when you’ve been trying and things aren’t working our for you. I understand it is not meant to feel so invasive but I don’t think people realize what a deeply personal question it is and how accusatory it can sound and feel when you are having conception issues. Like someone is blaming you for not being pregnant. At least for me that’s how it feels.

Like instead of hearing “When are you going to have a baby?”...

I hear “Why aren’t you pregnant already?” “Why don’t you already have kids?”

And I’m to the point where I just don’t feel I should have to answer anyone’s questions about MY body and MY relationship and MY plans anymore because it’s none of their damn business.

Because I just want to scream at everyone and say that at this point for me not being pregnant is not a choice, it’s a curse. And every time you ask me “When are you going to have a baby?” it’s like being stabbed in the heart. Because I sincerely do not know. And because I ask myself the same question every day and i still have no answer. And hearing it echoed back to me through others just reminds me of my failure.

If anyone made it through all of that, thanks for listening. It’s appreciated more than you know.