An open Letter to Him

I remember falling in love with you. I remember our friendship the way you made me laugh until my ribs hurt, the way I could confide in you.

I remember asking you who you liked and you telling me you didn't as you were too afraid to tell me it was me.

I remember dating you, knowing your likes and dislikes like you were part of me. Talking about our future with each other falling further in love. You living in my house seeing your smile everyday.

I remember being sexually assaulted and how scared I was, how much I wanted you. How I blamed myself and how you protected me.

I remember getting pregnant and getting excited to tell you, I remember you coming home and telling me you didn't love me anymore and leaving. I remember losing our child and how much it hurt. I remember putting a cigarette in between my lips to numb the pain and pouring vodka through my body. I remember struggling to move on and attempting to take my own life. The crying, the pain in my stomach, the silent screams on the cold tile floor... I remember.

I remember you getting her pregnant after 3 weeks of knowing her and telling the world that's the only baby you had and the only woman you wanted to start this journey with. I remember me falling in love again and moving on from the pain.

But I still think about you, you're about to have your second baby and I have none. I miss you, not the relationship I'm happy with my man but I miss the friendship. I still want to catch your eye as we walk past each other in the street and make you remember the pain.

I loved you and I think that's my biggest regret. You don't hurt the person you love.