I Don’t Have Happy Feelings for My Pregnancy- LONG STORY SORRY. Thoughts?
THIS IS A LITTLE LONG , BUT PLEASE READ IT AS MUCH SUPPORT AND THOUGHTS ARE NEEDED.
PLEASE LADIES. THANKS.
kids: 10,8,3 ( baby on the way)
Ex husband: 39
The friend: 32
I have a career, own a home, in law school, great mom to my kids.
Yes I struggle at times but my life seems normal, the kids are like second nature.
I want to be completely honest because I think it’s the best way to get others thoughts. I just ask that you please not judge me or make rude comments as it’s hard enough for me to open up. We all make mistakes or so things without thinking. Doesn’t mean we are bad or irresponsible. We’re just human at least that’s what I tell myself. Here goes :
So I’m a mom of 3 and pregnant with my 4th. My two are fathered by my ex husband we were married 6 years. We didn’t workout as some marriages don’t. I took 2 years to myself and with my boys and met my now ex.
We were together 4 years and we have 1 son, making the total of 3. My ex, also polish, drink a lot and he loved a lot of sex, which the Sex part was fine for me, we had incredible sex and we both always told eachother how much we love making love to eachother. But his love for sex was so bad that it became like an addiction. I realized that after getting pregnant with our son ( high risk) he didn’t like that I couldn’t have sex. He begin to cheat on me with women from bars and flirting a lot as well. Our relationship turned to a mess because I started to investigate everything and became paranoid. But we worked it out and wanted to remain together for our son and of course I wanted my other boys to keep a father figure too.
But then as time kept progressing , when I wasn’t around he was getting sex from girls off internet and prostitutes! I was devastated. I begin to keep checking myself and thinking I had to leave this relationship.
He takes Cialis ( erection pills) and I notice I was losing count. More was missing every time I checked. I finally couldn’t do it anymore and We broke up early this year because I couldn’t abuse myself anymore by allowing him to continue what he did.
We start to fight about everything and I begin to get hard feelings and remembering not only what he was doing recently but the past too.
I was so in love with him, I may still be but so heartbroken and trying heal. All those years I told him I loved him he was likely not telling me back because he was cheating and felt guilt. He wouldn’t tell me he loved me or even if I looked pretty- he said he can’t express thoughts but he will one day get better, so I understood and waited for years!
It got so bad that he even gave me an ultimatum to try a threesome or he would find it with or without me. I knew I couldn’t stay with him even though I loved him so much and we had a family.
After we broke up I was a mess, even though I didn’t deserve what he put me through (this is the part I made a stupid decision) I decided since he was still sleeping around I should be enjoying my life too( not sleeping around).
Guys like me and so one person that was always a good friend to me and he always said the things my ex did not. This guy always liked me, but I never dated him because he was like a immature gamer, he thinks he likes every pretty girl, he wasn’t born in the USA so he doesn’t have papers and can’t get a Job. But he was so funny, cool, sweet and someone who you can hang with when your bored. So we made out one night- the only problem is I was so excited sexually he was too, that we didn’t notice that the condom broke! When we got done he came and showed me the condom split! 😣
So I said ok and I was worried but then just showered and went to bed. We don’t talk often and I don’t have any feelings for this guy; just a funny friend and hooked up because of my emotions and need for sex.
SOOOO 3 weeks past I had a weird feeling and took a test. I was pregnant!! So so so so stupid I thought to myself. The more stupid thing is I totally forgot about PLAN B!! Why didn’t I remember this existed ?
So now I am pregnant with my fourth and it’s the immature guy’s. I don’t feel excited, I do feel love to the baby after I saw and heard heartbeat. But a part of me still feels like my baby is my 3rd child and I feel like I am taking attention from my other 2 boys whose father doesn’t see them at all because he now lives in Poland 5 years. I’m thinking if I have this baby my ex will know and hate me - why do I care ??!? I say to myself. Then I think maybe it’s because I still love him and it was so fast. He is the slut sleeping around with all kinds of women and I sleep with one of my friends and get pregnant ! I feel no better than him- I feel like the slut ! ☹️
I feel guilty. Stupid. I feel still hurt and heart broken. I cry every day. Sometimes I want to blame my ex for me getting pregnant because if he was good to me we would still be with eachother, I mean we had a family and he was sleeping with hookers!
I hate myself for not leaving him sooner. I hate myself for still loving this man. I am in therapy but it doesn’t seem to be doing a whole lot yet. I am worried what I will feel after having another man baby. People will judge me for having 3 dads and 4 kids !
My last thought was: okay! If I can get over this and move on will anyone want or love me with 4 children?
Sorry for the length of this.
Please no bad mouthing just want support, ladies. ☹️
Update: the other guy knows I am pregnant and it is his. He has no reaction as he is well aware he can’t take care of the baby. When he found out he claims I should help him get papers since it’s his baby. I’m not doing that. I haven’t heard from him since.