Am I Monster? Or just a sinner?

I feel so lost In my life. In my job. In my marriage. I told him I wanted to separate to find me and he breaks down saying he will do anything to keep me. He has changed and thing are good. But I’m not good. I feel like I’m in a cage and there’s no way out. Idk ic it’s my depression or my life that I’m fighting. I work with kids and it is not easy at all! It’s hard when your job is hard and ur life is hard cuz then just everything sucks. I saw my ex last week. The one that was b4 that messed me up in the head but we had a kinda epic love story. I have never loved so much it’s was like fire and lightning. He said he fu*ked up and missed me. I got married after knowing my husband 2/3 months. I regret it some days. I think I did it cuz I didn’t want my ex to be able to touch me or hurt me again and now I realized I’m so young and have barely felt life and now it’s done with this is my cage. Me and my husband have had 2 miscarriages. I miss my baby’s so much it hurts... but I feel like there’s a reason God kept them up there for now. :/ idk what to do. I feel like he’s pressuring me to stay when I don’t wanna but he is really good to be. Or am I Just trying to leave to be with my ex that might fu k me over again :(