I went back to my rapist

I was raped last year. I was 22 years old and he took my virginity. He wasn’t a stranger, or a drunken asshole at a party. He was my boyfriend for less than a month and he knew how important it was for me save myself for the right circumstances. But even though he swore he would wait he didn’t.

He just took it so quickly that I didn’t even have a chance to process until afterwards. And I bled like the Red Sea and I was angry and sad and broken and... he asked me to stay the night that night but I went home, feeling so empty and hollow.

I convinced myself it wasn’t rape.

I apologized to HIM. Oh the irony. There I was apologizing for the minor inconvenience of me having a sour attitude moments after you robbed me of something so valuable. He said he didn’t want to be with me because of my attitude. I never cried so hard. I wanted him back because he convinced me that I was overreacting. I wanted him back because I was a sexually conservative girl who wanted to explore her sexuality without racking up numbers of men who mean nothing to me. I wanted him back above all else because he was my captor. I was his slave, guilted into submission, and I foolishly thought it was love.

So he so “generously” let me back in but he made it known he didn’t want sex. He wanted us to take our time. I was over my hang up about sex, I just wanted to fuck. But it meant a lot to me that he cared enough about my feelings to abstain. Little did I know he didn’t actually care. After we had sex the second time maybe a month later, he ghosted me. And like poetry I wanted him back for a long time, until he started to draw back. Then I glo’d up, caught me a couple of bodies, gained some confidence.

But even after recognizing his toxic affect on me yesterday, almost a year from the day we met, I finally gave in to his pleads. Mostly for closure and curiosity. I knew he was a sad man, and a good man at his core but life and depression had been chipping away a at him. I still wanted to show him I cared.. even though behind the scenes I bashed and slandered his name death. It was Stockholm syndrome. I told everyone I felt like he might hurt me, but I went back last night even with this knowledge. He’s never been abusive toward me physically but I always got the sense he had the propensity to be that way.

Nevertheless I went back to his place last night. He told me he loves me and asked me to move in with him. Y’all we dated for 3 months almost a YEAR AGO. That’s off the wall to be saying the first time we see each other again. That was red flag number 1. Then he said he would buy me a car and lingerie if I moved in with him. Red flag 2. I ignored him and said something slick to change the conversation. After a while he kissed me, and it felt cold and indifferent but I missed him so I kissed him back. We made out a bit and he pulled me on top I felt in control. I grinded on him,barely clothed, drove him insane but maintained that I didn’t want to have sex. So I stopped so as to calm him down. And he got on top of me. That whole night he pressured me to do things and I consistently said no but he kept going until I gave in. When he was on top of me I had no control and that terrified me. I wasn’t scared of the act of sex with him I was scared because he wasn’t wearing a condom and I don’t trust him to be clean or to pull out, and I don’t have unprotected sex anyway.

Anyway he didn’t breach my trust but I was so fearful. He violated me by fingering my ass something I’ve never experienced before and when I told him it hurt he just said “you’ll get used to it.” After that I wanted to go home. But he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t even let me roll over to my side of the bed, because he didn’t want me so far away from him. I didn’t sleep at all because I didn’t trust him.

He had to go to work early this morning and asked me to stay until he got back.

I used it as an opportunity to do some digging because I wanted to know why he was being so weird and pretending to be so in love with me when he literally ghosted me without explanation. I found out he was separated from the army for unsatisfactory performance and from his job in intelligence for the same reason. He totaled his car and only has $25 in his bank account. Finding all this gave such insight into the man I never knew, because he never told me ANYTHING personal. I didn’t wait for him to get home, I called an Uber. Before I went I left him this letter and blocked him on social media.

I just wanted to vent and remind women like me that men with controlling narcissistic personalities do not deserve you. They do not love you and only seek to manipulate you. It’s really hard for me to separate myself from him but I know my worth now and I deserve someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved.