Postpartum depression need help

maddy • 3 miscarriages 1 born (6months ) and 1 on the way !

Hey ladies I really need some help I’m 3 almost 4 weeks postpartum and I’m really depressed I have urges to harm my self and I just cry and feel so ugly and fat I hate knowing my body isn’t the same in any way especially in my lady area me and my husband had sex for the first time last night and I asked him how it felt if it was loose or what cuz I’m very self cautious about that and he was like it’s kinda loose but it’s okay babe it’s cuz u just had a baby 3 weeks ago .. I know he meant that all in a loving way but OMG that made me feel so nasty for some reason I just am not proud of how my body is at the moment . I don’t feel extra close to my baby either and it’s so sad . Me and my husband think it may be because they took my baby right after I gave birth to her due to her not breathing and stuff I didn’t see her till she was 3 days old I didn’t get to hold her till she was 4 days old (I couldn’t see her because I was in the ICU and she was in the NICU)

I’m not gunna lie I smoke bud and that’s about the only thing that seems to help

Can you ladies give me tips on what helps please I really need some motivation and some tips 😓😔

I weighed 170 when I gave birth I’m down to 140 but I still feel HUGE

I was 120 before I got pregnant but I always bounce between 115-125

Here is a few pics

This is 3 weeks postpartum

This was 7 days postpartum

This is me having a melt down idk why I took a pic probably cuz I sent it to my husband but idk

This is my tiny bean today

This is my bean