I left my husband after several years of marriage because of abuse and manipulation. We have kids so I fought to make it work for so long but nothing ever changed. Things got better but they were still bad.

We get along on and off not together but he goes through his phases of treating my like complete shit. It makes me so depressed but I'm still at the point where I'm not fully strong enough to stand up for myself. So I just continue to be civil back to him and tell him he can keep being shitty but I refuse to be that way. But secretly, it's getting at me so bad that I want to disappear. So after a few days of it, I know I can't run away so I desperately look for ways to stop it.

Today he sexually advanced me and I ignored it. He continued to be shitty to me and I tried to calm it. I tried to say all the right things to make it stop and it didn't. I always have to pick up kids from him because I work later. There is literally no day I can 100 percent avoid him or I would.

Any way..I finally get desperate enough to finally say fine, is sex will make will make you be nice to me, if it will stop this hateful bashing then come take it. I can't handle it anymore so I'll give it up if it makes it end.

This turns into a fight of him bashing me, calling me names including a slut etc.

I end up crying and we keep fighting. Next thing I know, he is opening my front door (I had not locked it yet) and comes in. I know why he is here. He is going to want sex. I get so upset that I start shaking a little and trying to calm my nerves. I can't believe he is coming here right now is all I can think. But if I turn him down now..it's going to be so much worse. So I don't. I let him do it. I lay on my stomach in silent tears because I am so disgusted with myself. I try to just focus on one object and hope it ends soon. It finally does and he is still make snide remarks. It barely made him nicer but at least he is responding a little less mean now. I keep trying to justify it. Trying to make it not feel so bad. But it does. I feel so violated. But I said yes. I instigated it. I just can't stop crying.

He has done this before. Manipulated me into submission. Rip me apart until I finally just do what he wants. I knew as soon as he walked in that door unexpectedly that if I said no, things were going to get worse. I was not afraid of physical abuse but I was afraid of the emotional abuse that was going to continue. Afraid of what my children were going to continue witnessing. He has no care if they are around, he says what he wants. He screams whether Neighbors can hear or not. But he manipulates them into thinking I did something wrong. I'm so tired. I'm so depressed. I just needed to have something get better and if sex was going to make him stop, then fine. I'll suffer through it. I was shaking because I was so emotionally beat down and couldn't believe he was walking through my door literally as he was texting me that I was a slut. I wanted to say no. I just didn't say anything. I told him no, I wasn't going to go down on him but he put himself in front of my face anyway. I put my hands in my face as he tried to get me to do it. I didn't give in to that though. Then he had his arm around my neck so hard , I couldn't breath.my head hurt. I tap so he knows to loosen but after he kept only loosening for like 30 seconds at a time, then going back too tight, I was ready to just let him cause me to pass out. Then I wouldn't have to cry to myself anymore. I thought "I know it hurts but don't tap, just let him go tighter. It'll be over soon." He realized on his own and did loosen up and stop doing it. He did say I should've tapped, so at least there is that. I woke up with lots of bruising on my neck. After that, I just laid there and stared at a single spot on the ceiling til it ended. I didn't say much after. Just got dressed.

He was nice this morning. That part has been a relief but I still have to hold back the tears. This time, it just hurt more than the other times. Maybe it's because we were literally in the middle of a fight through text, he was saying awful things and he still showed up. He was saying these things as he drove to my place and I had no idea he was coming.

I contacted my counselor and asked for her soonest appt. This person is amazing. They will help me through sorting my thoughts on this out.

I try to avoid seeing him but it's so hard cause I'll do anything for my kids. My oldest likes us to have dinner together etc. It's so hard to tell no when it causes such happiness for my child. There is no understanding yet of what is going on and I can't explain. My hands feel tied. I know I have choices. I know I don't have to put up with everything I do. But how do I not with kids that we split so evenly through the week. How do I explain why we can't do things like eat together or go to the park?