I’m just here to vent, I need motivation, I need love, strength, please.

I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis at the age of 12, Shortly after I received Chemotherapy for eight years straight. It ended in 2013 and I was told I should get any flare ups for five years or more. Well it’s been exactly five years. In the beginning of this year I could tell I was beginning to start this flare with little pain every so often. Now it’s almost the end of the year and I am dealing with pain every single day. Horrible, excruciating pain, everything burns, and hurts. My boyfriend has to shower me at the end of every day because it’s so painful and even to wash my hair or brush it hurts so bad. Laying down hurts anything. The beginning of this year I long boarded, I went shopping, I did chores around the house no problem, now I can’t do anything. I went to the store today to buy stuff and forgot my card and as I’m ringing it up every part of my body is screaming and I’m trying to figure out how to get everything to the car but I can’t and I am glad I forgot my card and I ditch.

I’m looking around for my car and see how far it is - earlier wishing I had a handicap pass because walking ten feet kills my joints. I so desperately wanted to use a motor cart from the stores but because I’m walking and because Lupus is invisible I knew I would encounter stares so I avoided it and hurt my own body instead.

I’m tired of hurting - I’m tired of not being able to do what I want or need to do.

Medicinal Maruijana has been my lifesaver but having to do it everyday is tiring me out. I want my life back and I know I’m not getting it back.

And I can’t do chemo anymore because it’ll kill me physically due to the fact that I did it too much and it burned my immune system out.

I’m so sad, I’m so tired, I just need virtual hugs, and support. I can’t be strong anymore, I want to give up. Someone help me.