I hate masturbating 😞

Yup, you read that right. I hate masturbating. I don’t want to hate it. But there’s a couple of reasons why. One, crazy religious background. To the point that I got in trouble for touching my own breasts to adjust them, and my mom told me it was a sin to look at myself naked. I wasn’t allowed to think I looked attractive either. 🙄 So all of that has seriously fucked me up. I’m 23 and married, and my husband is deployed. Generally I don’t have to worry about masturbating because I have my husband. (And even then sex with him is....okay at best. But I digress.) But now that he’s gone it’s just me. And I have a high sex drive (well, once I got on an anti-depressant that didn’t kill it!). To those of you who dealt with similar thoughts: how did you get rid of them? How did you become comfortable with masturbating? I’ve read all the general stuff, positive affirmations, learn to love your body, blah blah blah. They don’t work for me. I don’t really hate my body, but when I get around other women I feel sub-par and inferior. I don’t have any relationships on base because all the military wives intimidate the hell out of me. Even my mother in law intimidates me. 😬 I’ve even talked to my therapist and she didn’t really have any advice. And it’s not just that I feel sad afterwards. I dread even getting horny. I feel it coming on, and the dread just settles in. Knowing that I’m either going to be in physical pain from it, or I’ll have to force myself to do something about it. During the masturbating most of the time it doesn’t even feel good, and if it does it takes FOREVER to get to that point (I’m talking like 2 hours here). And then all the shame and loneliness afterwards. It may be because sex is very emotional for me. Idk. Hell I’d even be okay with never masturbating, if only I had another way to get that relief. I say relief but it’s not genuine relief. I can’t orgasm. It’s more like my body can’t handle any more pleasure and I have to stop because I’m literally hurting down there. And I have a problem remembering to breathe. I’ve actually passed out before on multiple occasions. Been trying to orgasm for over 3 years and nothing. Not alone, not with a partner. I don’t like porn (and don’t anyone dare tell me I’m wrong for that - keep it to yourself), and I have a hard time fantasizing. I have to force myself to fantasize about my husband, my imagination is so dead. Well not dead. It was very wild when I was a teenager. Idk what happened to it. I’m afraid to even think thoughts too erotic, let alone ever speak them. I feel embarrassed to pleasure myself ALONE in my apartment. I don’t know why. Nobody is going to see, so why does it matter? And this extends to things like singing and dancing - I love both but I can’t bring myself to do either, alone or with someone. There’s probably a reason my sex life is so lame. 😭