The hardest part for me after finding out my fetus had no heartbeat is letting go. I still can't wrap my head around it.

For anyone who didn't see my previous post. I started spotting over a week ago. Dr says it's normal and to wait for my appointment which was scheduled this Friday the 19th. She ordered labs - hcg 11,599. This past Saturday I started bleeding, went to ER hcg dropped to 8,759. Ultrasound showed sac and fetus, no heartbeat. ER doc said I'm most likely miscarrying. BUT! She says, if I never saw the previous beta test I would have suspected based off ultrasound that it was just too soon. This gave me a glimmer of hope. She says follow up with OB for repeat ultrasound and labs.

I called OB yesterday for an appointment and the PA gets on the phone and says, it's normal to bleed, just wait for your appointment on Friday. She says you're measuring 6 weeks, it may be too soon for a heartbeat. I'm taken back, I literally just grieved the night before preparing for loss. I said so the drop in levels is not of concern? She says, What? Oh let me call you back.

The PA calls back and says oh I'm sorry, I was just looking at your ultrasound. But seeing your labs, your miscarriage is inevitable. She tells me to come in. I get there 30 minutes later and immediately she says ok, you can go home and do this naturally, insert some meds to get it going or d&c. I opted for d&c. I asked if she would be doing a repeat labs and ultrasound and she said there was no need.

Now I'm questioning everything! What if they're wrong? What if we just need a little more time for the heartbeat to flicker? Why wouldn't they do another ultrasound to be sure before going in blindly and curettage my uterus? I know the levels mean something to them, but I keep going off what they were saying about the ultrasound both ER and PA.

I'm scheduled tomorrow for d&c but I'm not sure I want to let go. I just want to hold on until my body says no if that's what it truly is. I feel crazy. I can't make my mind up, it's difficult. And on top of all this, I'm getting married this weekend. I'm extremely overwhelmed.

***Update*** Graphic

I started cramping intensely and pressure in my back. I sat on the toilet and a gush of blood flowed out. I felt like I had to poop and then came the sac. Looked like a tiny placenta with a white bulb the size of a blueberry attached. I caught it in a medical hat that you put on the toilet, I knew it was coming. I called the doctor and she said to still come tomorrow, they'll do an ultrasound to make sure everything has passed and if not they will perform the d&c. They told me to bag what I expelled and bring it so they can send to the lab.

At this point I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to share my story and follow up. You read stories and never quite get what happened in the end.

I'm saddened by what I've experienced but I am going to move forward, get healthy and prepare my body for a pregnancy in the future if God sees me fit.

Good luck to you all on your journeys! 💕