So this post is literally coming from the depths of my soul. I'm just gonna go ahead and apologize at the beginning.

My husband and I have been ttc for over 3 years now. With no luck. Honestly I'm making this post because I just really need some support and someone who can relate to me. I'm starting to go mental. I'm literally starting to lose my mind. I would give my left arm to become a mother, but right now I'm having to stand by while my cousin (who is an ACTIVE addict) gets to have a blessing that I don't. We thought she was 8-10 weeks pregnant, but no she is 5 and a half months pregnant with a little girl. I had to take her last tuesday to the high risk doctor where she failed her drug test and they decided to do her 1st ultrasound to see if the baby had been affected by the drug use. She is perfectly healthy. That baby is a pure miracle and is gonna be here in less than 4 months. I was the one in there with her when she found out the gender and I about died. I cried more than she did. I was expecting to see a bloop on the screen not a full blown healthy baby girl. All I could thing about is it's not fair. It should be me in that chair and not her. I mean we were expecting her to be in the early stages, so I immediately thought is that how it works? Maybe if I get up on the table they will tell me I have a baby in my tummy. Does that make me a terrible human being?

I'm starting to resent people who are pregnant or have just had a baby. Who does that? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I feel so alone that all I do is cry and lay in bed all the time to keep from having to see children out in town. I've recently started going to the drs. For them to help me get pregnant. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and all they keep saying is dont get your hopes up cause its severe. I mean what does that even mean? Why is this happening to me. They are talking about possible surgery in the future but as of now all they have done is blood work and a vaginal ultrasound and put me on a super low grade antidepressant (which isnt working mentally) to relax my abdominal region so there is less pain with sex.

I'm sorry for ranting. I guess I'm just hoping for some support and guidance. Honestly idk. I just needed to put it out there I guess. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone. Truly I am. I just cant go through this alone no more.