Still in love with my ex

My ex and I only dated for 4 months but we’ve kept up a friends with benefits relationship for 2 1/2 years. He doesn’t know this, but I called him my boyfriend and told people I had a boyfriend in some situations. I know that’s wrong but I did it. I lost my virginity to him and I think that’s one reason I’m so attached. He’s hooked up with many girls since we broke up and I get completely heartbroken and wrecked every time. I’ve kept up a sexual relationship with him because I feel like I’m pretty shy so it’s better to have a kinda boyfriend than nothing at all. I know all I’ll be is a side chick to him but I still daydream that he’s gonna come back and be faithful. I’ve even thought about what’d it be like if we got married. I know it’s really messed up but I’m afraid to let go and try dating again just cuz I’m so awkward and shy, and sometimes I really think I’m still in love