One year ago today I saw a faint line on a pregnancy test. It was faint but there so I didn’t drink at the party we went to that night. We had been trying for 2 months to get pregnant after getting married in September and stopping birth control. After that the line progressively got darker. We told our families at Christmas that they were going to be grandparents for the first time. It was so fun! We had our first ultrasound just before Christmas. They said baby measured small so come back in 2 weeks to verify growth and better guess due date etc. So on 1/2/18 we went back in eager to see our little baby. When she said she didn’t see the little flicker of the heartbeat I went numb. I could tell baby was still very small and didn’t look any bigger. I cried through the rest of the appointment and walked out of the office so ashamed to have my puffy red eyes. We got to the car and told our parents and our siblings. My husband cried when he told his mom. I hadn’t seen him cry in years. The whole thing was so heartbreaking. I couldn’t even ask my husband how he was feeling or if he was okay. I knew he was going to be because I know him like the back of my hand and he’s very quick to move past negative feelings and look on the bright side, but I couldn’t bear to even hear an ounce of pain from him because I could hardly handle my own. I blamed myself even though I knew I should not. I didn’t want to admit to anyone even my husband that I blamed myself because I knew what they would say. They would tell me it isn’t my fault. And I could tell myself that too, but I didn’t believe it yet. I opted for the D&C, and had it done on 1/4/18 which went well. The following weeks/months were hard. Until I got a huge surprise the night we came home from a vacation... on 3/25/18 I got a blaring positive on a test. I was actually really surprised because according to my ovulation tracking I should have found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks earlier but all tests until this point had been negative.

Fast forward to today. I’m 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant with my rainbow baby. There are still times I start to worry about my baby because I know I’ve come this far and it’s scary to know it could all fall apart. But for the most part I am over the moon excited for this baby and I am impatiently awaiting her arrival. 🌈💕🤞🏻 don’t give up!