I've lost myself.

That's the best way I could describe it. I dont understand how one person can make me lose my sense of individuality. I'm not my own person anymore. I am merely an extension of him.

But why do I feel bad about doing what's best for me? I cant leave. I tried before, and i was back within 6 hours because I felt bad for HIM and I didnt wanna tear him away from our son.

No, I DONT want to do everything together. No, i DONT want to have to text you the whole time we are away from each other. But YES, I want to have friends. YES, I dont want to feel bad on the rare occasion that I say, fuck what you think. I'm going to spend a couple hours with someone who isnt you.

I've been on a leash for so long that I forgot what it's like to be free. I cannot stand having to ask permission to do things without you. Over the years I've been slowly suffocated by the overwhelming amounts of ownership you place over me.

Please, tell me, what makes you think you have control over who I talk to? What I wear? Where I go? How often I leave my own house? How I spend my money?

I used to think this is just you smothering me in love. That you love me SO MUCH, I belong to you. I used to think that was okay. How? How....?

And now, I'm 5 years and one child into this relationship and I feel like I cant leave. I should have left the day you fought with me when I tried hanging out with my friend. I should have left the moment you fought with me because I wore makeup to school, and wore yoga pants to gym class. I should have left when you got mad at ME when my dad took me for a drive - without you. But I was younger, and much more naive. I thought this was love. I now realize that its not.

So now, whats stopping me? I could leave right now if I want to and wouldnt miss you an ounce.

But my son... my beautiful baby boy... he loves his daddy... and I cant imagine not having him every single day. I haven't been away from my son for longer than 24 hours. How would i survive a couple days a week?

Or even worse, what if daddy decides he doesnt wanna see his son anymore because he doesnt wanna have to deal with mommy? After all, he has said that a long time ago.

I feel trapped. Hopefully after the holidays are over, I will find strength to leave. I dont want my son to grow up and think this is the way a man is supposed to treat a woman, or Vise versa. That's my strongest motivator. I gather strength every day. I'm stronger than I was yesterday. One day I'll leave and never look back.