Vent- Devastated

probably write post like these all the time but its how I truly feel. I feel hate, sorrow, hopelessness, and confusion

HATE: I hate that i see everyone and thier grandma getting pregnant. I hate when people ask me when I will will have kids not knowing our struggles for the last 1- 1 1/2 years. I hate when people tell me to relax it will happen or not to stress it. I hate shopping for baby shower and them not one of them being for my own. I hate the struggle. I hate when people tell me I still have time being younger but knowing everyday is a day without my baby with me.

SORROW- that i cant hold them in my arms, Sorrow that I will never be called mommy, Sorrow my husband wont know what its like to be a dad. Sorrow that its all my fault. Sorrow that I cant enjoy others journeys because my of depression on the subject. Sorrow because its always been my dream to be a mommy.

Hopelessness- IT wont happen to me, It wont happen to my husband. We will never be a family. I will never be able to give grandchildren. Never seeing a BFP. ALWAYS WISHING never coming true.

LASTLY CONFUSION- why not me? why not us? It would be so loved so why? What did I do to deserve this? What do I need to do to become a mommy? Do I need my more, bigger house, weight loss bigger car What?! Ill do anything!

Please I feel so broken, loss and incomplete. I need them. I pray so hard for so long. Can you hear me? Are you listening? I promise to be the best mommy. I promise I will give every ounce of myself to them. Please answer my prayers. I'm here waiting but not sure how much more strength I have......