So almost 2 weeks ago I started spotting pink which slowly got heavier and bright red. The doctors at the hospital refused to help or do anything.

I went for a scan on Monday which showed baby measuring as he should at 8.5mm (6w5d) but there was no heartbeat. They expect a heartbeat by 10mm so they arranged for me to go back in a week (so on Monday) to see if his heart had started, but it was very unlikely to happen.

I had hope. Until this morning. At 7w2d I woke up late, at around 10pm, I went downstairs as usual to feed my dogs and let them out. I didn’t go to the toilet before I went downstairs (which I usually do). I could feel something trying to come out of me, more than blood, possibly a blood clot. I ran to the toilet and help some tissue under to catch whatever it was (I know i don’t know why I caught it 😂)

At first he looked like a blood clot as he was covered in blood, then I noticed his little black eyes and his tail which would have developed into the spine as he grew. He has started growing tiny little fingers on his arm buds. I never thought he would be this developed. He was so so tiny, but definitely longer than 8.5mm. He had carried on growing, even with no heartbeat.

As traumatic and scary as it was seeing my baby so under-developed and not even human-like yet, I am so glad I saw him and I now know that it’s over and not to hope for a heartbeat on Monday. I wish he had carried on developing and I wish I could have had him alive in 8 months time, but that’s not how things worked out.

He’s now with his older sister up in the sky. And they’ll be playing together until I see them again one day.

I’ll be seeing you, my sweet angels. I’ll never stop loving you 👼👼❤️