I officially hate every holiday and my birthday

As a kid and as a young teen, I used to love Christmas, Christmas eve and Halloween. I’m 19 and I hate them now. My parents are divorced and we live on opposite sides of the state and my boyfriend has no family here.

I am always trying to make everyone happy and I know what everyone is going to say, “do what makes you happy”. But that is so hard, I just can’t. I want to be with everyone.

Everything seemed to happen in high school, when my mom and I would get the house ready for Christmas we would always argue about everything, decorations, or I would decorate all by myself and it’s been happening for like 3 years straight and it has just made me lose my Christmas spirit with my family.

My dads side wanted me with them in another state on Christmas eve but I am traveling somewhere on Christmas and I can find tickets affordable enough to go now because I hesitated to long but that was also because my boyfriend of 4 years wanted me to stay home with him because he can’t travel, he can’t afford it. And I had to lie to my dads side saying I couldn’t go because of my mom which isn’t all a lie because my mom wants me home for Christmas eve and so does my boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn’t have family here and I don’t want to leave him alone on the holidays and I’ll be traveling from Christmas all the way to New Year’s Day.

It’s just so frustrating and this has been happening year after year.

Also my graduation made me feel like shit because I’m always between my mom and dad having to split everyday and I got so many empty promises from them. I hope this doesn’t sound greedy or anything. But from my junior year my mom and I had been talking about my graduation gift, that I can travel somewhere and she promised me and we looked at flights ands everything, graduation came around she said she didn’t have time to buy them or get me a gift, she said she would get me one. 3 months went by she said she would get them but never did and i just knew it wasn’t going to happen.

My birthdays have been a let down. A couple of birthdays my family has forgotten my birthday or people would text me late at night. My mom and people and boyfriend would make it special and idk it is just slowly going away.

I really hope I don’t sound selfish or greedy.

Every holiday and event I used to give me all. No matter how much money I have or none at all I figure out how to make things work for everyone else. Even if I have to make things and I just make people feel special and make the holiday feel special.

I have so much to say but I feel dumb now that I am saying all this. Idk why but it just hurts kinda and I feel like I am slowly dying in spirit. Please no rude comments.

I hope y’all have an amazing holiday.