Just about done

Oct 17th not only was it the best day of my life due to celebrating my fiancés birthday but also was a day late for aunt flow so I got a pregnancy test and took it and got excited when two little lines showed up so I called my doc and got a blood test and urine and both came positive. Decided to announce to him And his family with him at dinner on his birthday. I got him a cheifs mahomes jersey and wrapped inside I had a onesie that said “cutest pumpkin in the patch” and then the doc note saying I’m pregnant since I think giving a stick is gross to me and then we were so exited. That weekend we had our engagement shoots and I got to hold a sign saying “expecting a pumpkin June 2019” so we got the pics printed and had a pic of our announcement included with the other engagement photos and gave it to my dad and step mom. Everyone was so excited I went and was suppose to be an exciting time for me to get an ultrasound done but when the ultrasound tech looked confused I started to get anxiety going and I asked what’s wrong and she was like I don’t see a baby at all and I started to panic she then asked for me to go back to my doc and ask for more blood work so I did and then went home and told my fiancé about the complications that night I started bleeding and started worrying but I didn’t want to go to er at all due to it being pointless if I’m bleeding then I’m losing it and it’s going to do its thing.(please don’t judge) then the next morning got the call I never wanted to hear that I had a miscarriage and I just cried my eyes out. This is third time we’ve lost a baby third time we’ve announced third time we have to go through all the tests and figure out why why me why is what am I doing wrong! My fiancé was hurting too but he just knew he couldn’t show it because he had to be strong for me. I literally hid everything so I didn’t have to see the announcements anymore hid the pics hid everything. I was just completely heartbroken. I have now came to the realization that it might not be my time it might not ever be my time but I just hate how people say it’s so easy to get pregnant. Well it’s not easy for someone that was misdiagnosed with pcos for the past five years it’s not easy when my fiancé is actually wheelchair bound and has a disease it’s not easy when all we do is stress and symptom spot and get the excitement and then it gets crushed on me. I’m not a religious person I believe in god but every night I’ve been praying lately asking when is it my turn to actually be able to have a child I can hold in my arms and be able to be the woman I want to be. When is it my turn to live my life and be able to actually want a child. I give so much respect for the woman and men and couples that do Ivf and iui or try for years for holding on to what little hope they have each and every month! It just kills me Ewing everyone I know pregnant or about due and have a child it kills me getting notifications from Ovia saying I’d be 12 weeks this Tuesday coming up and knowing I gotta move on and not be having a child. This Christmas I would’ve announced to my extended family but I don’t get to do that anymore. I’m sorry this is long but I just don’t feel like I can talk about it with anyone else and need as much support right now as I can. I try to not be so depressed but anymore it just kills me I have to be happy for my friends that are expecting but I just come home and lay in bed and not do anything because it should’ve been me it should’ve been me going to register on for a baby shower it should be me. I wonder when my time will be! 😢😭🥺🥺