I just need to put this somewhere..

My fiancé and I are newly engaged, but have been together for 4 years. Our wedding is in February, and while I am excited about it, it doesn’t help mask the absolute sadness and devastation I feel every month that we haven’t conceived.. we have been actively trying for 9 months now, but since the beginning of our relationship we never really prevented other than just not having sex when I had egg white CM..

I have never had a positive pregnancy test in my entire life, and I was a stupid ass teenager.(I’m 23 now)

Tonight I’m about 10 DPO and just feel like complete shit because I started getting my usual wave of cramps that I always get days leading up to my period..

My whole life I’ve wanted to do nothing except be a mom. I’m obsessed with babies, And I’ve ALWAYS been the one to stand by my friends and be extremely excited And help them throughout their entire pregnancies, when some of them are so undeserving it’s sickening..

I’m always the God mother, and the auntie, but I just want to finally be the fucking mom!!!!!!

I feel like I don’t have a purpose because of this. And I know there are women who have been trying for way longer than I have, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel the way that I do because at this point I really feel like it’s not going to happen for me..

I try really hard not to talk about my feelings towards TTC because i feel like I sound like a broken record at this point and I don’t want to annoy anyone so I just keep it to myself for the most part. The only person I actually talk to about this is my best-friend but all she really says is, “don’t worry it’s just not your time yet. It will happen” which really frustrates me because I’m like, WTF?! Why isn’t it “my time”. I’m fucking ready right now!!! And she doesn’t understand the struggle because she was lucky enough to get pregnant with both her girls on the first try..

I know it doesn’t help that I’m such a hypochondriac with horrible crippling anxiety, and I constantly think that there’s something medically wrong with me and so that’s why I’m probably not getting pregnant.. I just really don’t know what to do with myself anymore..

I know this is basically just a rant, and if your still reading at this point, thanks for listening to me. I’m just seriously dying inside tonight and I needed to put it somewhere..