5 weeks after my world collapsed

I was in a 9 year relationship with a guy who we shall call T.

We had been through a lot over the years. T had been there for me through a sexual assault that happened when I was 20. He stayed through the PTSD and all the years of recovery.

For the last half of this year I went through one scare after the other. My first car accident, death of my grandma and my mother had a stroke. I thought at least this year couldn't get any worse, but I thought I could survive it because he was there being supportive.

A bit of history:

5 years into our relationship I got sick while I was visiting my parents out of town. I couldn't come home after the surgery for a month. That same weekend T's father had been rushed into emergency surgery after complicating from removing a tumor in the same city I was. I couldn't leave so I spent as much time with T's parents at the hospital as I could. T's father spent the rest of that year fighting to survive. He did make it home eventually, but he is terminal. T's parents and I grew a strong bond over that period. That bond still remains.

During that time T started having a sexting affair with a woman named J. This woman was the best friend of T's ex girlfriend B who cheated on him with 9 guys in their almost 2 year relationship. I never understood why he stayed friends with J but came to accept it. (I also never met her)

She lived in the building across the way. J was in a long term relationship and had 2 little kids. She also knew about me

When I found out about the sexting I was devastated. I was walking away when he grabbed my arm crying and begged me to stay. I thought about all we had been through and what he meant to me. I gave him second chance and we started going to counseling. This lasted for a little while, but eventually we stopped going. T never really put in the effort to rebuild the trust. I also was pretty nervous about the activity on his phone.

He never stopped being protective over his phone.

I learned of this second affair 5 weeks ago.

One of T's best friends is a married mother of 2 named M. (I never met her in all the years we dated, but she knew about me.) I knew they had sex in high school but he always said it was only sex and they were able to just be friends. I was never easy about it, but tried to accept it.

In early July of this year M moved back to the area from our West with her 2 little ones. M's husband G stayed behind to finish selling their home and move their belongings back across the country.

From the messages I read she had been trying to convince him to leave me for over a year. One message was advising him to contact my parents or best friend and have them pack up my stuff while I was out of town for my birthday visiting a relative who had just lost her husband. Another way was to let me discover their messages between one another by leaving his phone open. That way I would be the one to end it. (That is the one that happened). However he explained he didn't so that intentionally.

She was cruel and she didn't know me. She as telling him how we were holding on by a thread and how our relationship was bad. She never looked in the mirror at her own actions and how that would change her family or hurt her two little girls.

The messages I read are stuck in my head on a loop. I haven't had a solid night of sleep or proper appetite since the break up. I questioned what did I do to deserve such hatred from the man I trusted with everything. My heart feels like it exploded in my chest and the pieces are like shrapnel across my body. I have gotten so upset I have been sick several times. I can't believe the amount of pain.

Leading up to the break up T's temper was more and more on edge. The week leading up to the break up I told his parents, sister and brother in law what was going to be happening and who the affair was with. They knew her and that she was married and had kids. I cared for T and wanted him to get the help he needed. He was not the same guy I had fallen in love with. I had T's sister and brother in law there incase anything happened, but they waited in the hallway. The only question he asked me was how long I had known.

To add to this stress T let me know I am the one who is moving out. The majority of the furniture in our apartment is mine. The lease is in both our names. I make less then half of what he makes and financially the fall out is greatest on my end.

I don't know why one woman would do this to another. Especially when they already have a family of their own and are supposed to be role models for the next generation of women.

There are other questions that I probably will never get answers to. For now I am focusing on the day by day rule. At least today there is a bit of sunlight.