More happened in my first semester than I expected in my entire 4 years of college.

I know this is long. I treat this more as a journal than something for people to read and comment on, but if you make it through and have a comment to make, please feel free.

The Ex:

I was stupid and got into a relationship with a guy that liked me, but I didnt really know how I felt for him. I said wth could go wrong? MY BIGGEST REGRET THIS YEAR. This guy was mf toxic and the reason why I broke it off after two weeks. He was aggressive and pushed sex on me even though I didnt want it yet (mind you, this was all in TWO WEEKS). One day he wouldn't leave my dorm without sex so I gave him the worst sex of his life complaining like a whiny bitch just so I'd piss him off (he didnt even cum, mission success). I literally fell asleep bc he was boring af and I just didnt wanna be there. He later said he was "questioning" our relationship (prob bc of the sex) bc his friend who is a girl needs his support. I mean whatever I've been trying to shake you off my tail for a week, and weve only been together a week and a half. He shows up to pick me up for a hockey game unexpectedly with this girl and hangs out in my dorm bc I wasnt ready. His friend ends up having a mental breakdown/panic attack screaming she wants to go home and was taken against her will AND HE WALKS OUT. I had to chase after this mf and literally grab him and scream at him to take her home. He was more concerned at the gallons left in his tank then about his "friend". That showed me he was a piece of shit and I dumped him right then and there. Never looked back.

Post-Ex:

During that relationship, I decided to make an appt to a ob/gyn for birth control bc I wasnt on it at the time. It landed after our relationship, so I figured I'd never even have to talk to him again. WRONG. Found out he gave me genital herpes! Now I have to talk to him again to tell him that bc I'm a decent enough person to let him know that regarding sexual health. I couldnt face him so we ended up fighting over text bc I waited a week to tell him. A WEEK. I was embarrassed and instead of maybe apologizing for lying to me about your sex life and get tested when we got together (I offered, he denied), your mad because I waited a WHOPPING 7 DAYS to get back to you on that. Sorry I didnt know you fucked somebody else in the 2 weeks we were broken up.

Anxiety/Panic Attacks:

After all of THAT, it was inevitable my emotional health would dive into a downward spiral. I would cry, scream, be scared to leave my room, be scared to be in my room alone, fear entering the arena (where we met), freak out over the littlest things, and lash out sporadically. If he texted me I would throw my phone out of hatred and anger. My grades took a nosedive at a big point during the semester and it only made me want to explode all of my emotions out on somebody, which I did at times and deeply regret. They know that and I've made amends since then. I looked for any opportunity to be distracted, whether it was going into the city or simply tutoring my friend Nick*. Although my roommate Emily* took 99% of it all (who I'm super grateful for, BEST ROOMMATE EVER), Nick took a big brunt of it all as well and he was my biggest support, my rock through it all and I wouldn't have made it if it werent for him. I longed for my family, but having them around made it bearable.

Nick:

I met Nick at the beginning of football season. He plays WR for our football team and he is an amazing player to watch in action. I congratulated him after one of his games where he had a really nice TD and weve been friends ever since. I gained alot of respect for him when he asked me for help in one of our classes, which would later turn into both. He showed me he wasnt like every other athlete and really cared about his academics as well. When he requested a study session, it provided me with that distraction I longed for. One day, he skipped a study session, leaving me there for an hour waiting. An emotion bomb went off after I paid him a visit and he went through all of that no fight backs. He knew my situation and knew that I was worth at the very least a text message. After the bomb diffused he was still apologizing even though I knew it was really all my fault. That's when I knew Nick and I would become best friends. That was also the day I also met his roommate Quenton*. Boy did he see my ugly side that day. Not a good first impression cuz boy was he hot.

Quenton:

Quenton is very mysterious, probably bc I havent gotten to know him too well. From what I can tell, hes a sweetheart like his roommate. Even after i chucked a bag of candy at him, he treated it like it was no big deal. Hes also pretty chill. Hes more of the relaxing type and whenever I have to drop off something hes always asleep which makes me feel bad for waking him up. Hes scared me a couple of times but I've taken it with a grain of rice.

Nick and Quenton:

So this has been made very clear to me by some friends that I'm in a warped love triangle apparently. Despite Nick and I being best friends, he has said things that blur the line between best friends and more than that. My friends think he likes me but Nick is currently in a long-term relationship and the last thing I am is a homewrecker. Heres where it gets warped. I think I like Quenton. Hes mysterious, which probably draws me to him and hes really laid back which I like and pretty hot I have to say. Plus a bonus: HE'S TALL! Hes probably out of my league and I dont even know if he has a girlfriend back home (LIKE SO MANY GUYS HERE DO). Quenton has also mentioned hes excited to get to know me too so that's a plus. He took a little bit of my emotional problems but gladly didnt overthink it. He probably has an understanding from Noah too. But theres just so many negatives to pursuing this tho because personally I dont know if I'm mentally/emotionally ready to take on a relationship again. If anything resurfaces from my last relationship it's not fair to him to go through that. Plus after my last sex experience (which was actually my first), idk if I'd be ready when he would want to do it and the last thing I want is to make him feel guilty and feel like hes pushing me. I dont know if he would have the patience to understand because I know if I do this the first two weeks will be both hard and critical. I just dont know anything rn. AND I dont want to ruin my friendship with Nick. Hes been what I needed to make it through this first semester and if I manage to lose both of them I honestly think I'd be worse off than when I broke up with my now-ex. They mean so much to me and I don't want to ruin anything, despite being in this warped love triangle.

Grades:

Despite a 2.3 in Calc and a 2.7 in globalization, I managed to get a 3.0+ on all of my other grades including 2 4.0s! I'm extremely proud of how I did after taking that complete nosedive. My GPA is 3.0-3.3 and I couldnt be happier with myself!

Dorm:

I am now more comfortable in my dorm than I was post Ex thanks to my amazing roommate Emily. We hit the housing lottery and scored a quad for just the two of us in the first semester. We have had some really great times in there and are ready to share those with some new roommates come spring semester.

Friends:

Honestly, I thank Emily, her friend group, Erin*, Nick and Quenton, and my neighbors Jack* and Liam* for making this first semester the best despite a shitty situation. I couldnt have asked for better friends.

Professors:

My professors were so kind. Each and every one of them were flexible and helped me achieve the grades I have today. I honestly think I would have landed in Academic Probation anywhere else if it werent for these professors lending their kindness and support.

Time Management/Workload:

My workload was very manageable. I found a rhythm and routine to manage my time wisely and I think it showed in my grades. Heres to carrying that forward to next semester.

Clubs and Activities:

Although I cant drink due to medical reasons, I still get out and have met some really cool people through a club and on campus activities, as well as my hall activities. We always find a way to have fun and I love being surrounded by such a polite and kind community on campus.

Service Learning:

I got to go out into the community and receive a college credit for working with elders by teaching them technology. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I loved every minute of it. My elder was amazing and I miss her so much. Sadly I dont have the option next semester, but I hope to do it again in the future. Thanks to the new friends I made, Rachel* and Randall*, for making this opportunity a lot of fun, and to my PM Lily* for being chill LMAO.

-possible to be continued-

(LMAO havent decided yet)

*privacy purposes