I miss my abuser

On New Year’s eve the guy I was dating tried to run me over....before this event happened we were auguring he was belittling me the whole weekend (which was my birthday weekend) I feel like if I didn’t have such an attitude this would of never happened. I miss him so much. I tried talking to him serval times each time he blocked me.....As crazy as it is I kinda want him back in my life he made my days so much better. He did things for me no other guy has.