Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is so hard. Being a single mom with severe PPD/PPA is so tough. Some days I only get out of bed to feed and change him. It’s just me and him. All day. Every day. We both get frustrated with each other. But one thing is for sure, we both love each other.

It’s a weird feeling to not feel an instant connection with your baby, but yet you love them so much. It’s so hard to describe. Its like- I know I’m supposed to love you.. so..

It’s like falling in love with a stranger. A complete attached, dependent stranger.

The more we get to know each other, the closer we get. It’s such an awesome feeling watching him grow. To witness all of his firsts. To know that I’m his comfort and security.

I think the biggest thing that makes this all worth while is seeing his little gummy smiles. Hearing him laugh is like music to my ears. His little coos and noises are so fun to me.

Everyday is a battle. A battle I hope he won’t remember. Severe depression and anxiety is no joke. I’ve had some people tell me “it isn’t real” or “I’m just faking it.” Others have said “it’s okay to have bad days.” What they don’t know is everyday is a bad day. At least for me anyways. Some days I literally just sit and cry. That’s it. Crying while feeding my son. Crying while trying to play with him.

Some days I get such bad panic attacks that it’s hard or “scary” for me to leave my house. It’s so stressful.

This whole mom thing is hard. This whole single mom thing is hard. Everything is hard. Life is hard.

But I know somewhere down the line there will be light. I believe better days are to come. I believe I wont be like this forever. I don’t want to be like this forever I just can’t control it.

Pictures cause he’s cute 💙