Ok, so today I went to one of my schools' GSA meetings. I go to them as often as possible, and truly feel like it's the only place where I can be truly free as of now. We ended up making these pride/ally pins out of rainbow ribbon. The plan is for us to pass out the pins on my schools' kindness day next week. We made a ton of them, stuffed our faces with junk food, and we're just the crazy depressed lunatics we really are (I loved it! 😀) All of this seems great, but I'm really stressing out about kindness day. Only the GSA is passing out the pins, so people will know who's in it. I love the club, but last time people found out who was in the GSA we were harassed and made fun of. Even now, in the kids who found out look at us with disgust when we pass by them in the hallway. Some of my friends and my crush know that I'm in GSA, but even they're really awkward about it. One if the people at my school goes to the same track and field club that I used to go to, last track season. The people there were really mean in general, and extremely homophobic. I wasn't out and at the time I still thought that I was just a very involved ally. I just felt so awful going there, and it really took a toll my already tanking mental health. I was in a really dark place, but once discovering what I actually am, and coming out to a few close friends that I trust, I felt a lot better. I told my mom that the kids there are really mean and that the whole club had kind of a negative atmosphere to, but I left out the details. I'm not out I my family, and my mom banned me from going to GSA "...since I'm not one of them", according to her. I know that I'm probably just being irrational, and freaking out, but a small part of me wonders if the girl from my school will tell the bullies from the club. My dad still doesn't know that I want to quit track, or at least move to a different team. Although, if I moved teams hopefully my little brother will too. I'm very protective of him, and really think that he shouldn't be there either. My parents mostly just want me to get exercise and stay healthy. I did cross country earlier in the school year and am doing swim lessons (terrifying)to avoid indoor track season. In October, I reached ground 0, and I was already at my breaking point when my mom told me some things that I had only been thinking in my head were actually true. My own mother told me I was manipulative and a liar. I had told myself this inside of my head for a long time, but I used to be able to convince myself that it wasn't true. Now that my mom said that, I truly felt like an awful human being, who didn't deserve to live. I felt like a burden, that I was only an extra mouth to feed, and that I was holding my family back. I wanted to die. So, during the worst mental breakdown I have ever had, I crumpled it up and threw my book of prayers across the bathroom floor. Then I got into the bathtub and tried to drown myself. At some point, I couldn't really breath anymore, and felt like I was about to pass out. Then I stopped, my parents and family would feel so guilty if I ended my life. I'd just be a burden all over again. Now some kind of strange fantom pain on my right arm and had keep me from writing, and doing my chores and such. I can do even less for myself than normal, and I have band as one of my electives, which was a huge mistake. The teacher yells a lot, and the student stare at me. It's awful for my anxiety. With the spring musical having practice almost every day, I might have to stop going to GSA altogether. I'm not sure if that would be more good than bad. Last on my long list of problems, is that I have a crush on a straight girl, and that sucks, especially since I still hold out hope, and that she's into girls, and more particularly me, I doubt it. I'm crying now while wrong this, and I'm just really unsure of what to do. Please help me.