Sad about lack of partner bonding...

After three miscarriages, my husband and I now have a son on the way. Pending all goes well, he'll be here in 12 weeks. Feeling him move was the most exciting thing in the world. Life...happening. Everytime I feel the baby roll or kick I don't take for granted that it could literally be the last time I feel it. I guess because it's more real for me physically, both the losses and the carrying of this child, it holds more weight for me emotionally. That and this is my last baby. I'm 40. He's 43.

This all means so much. This is a miracle. But...

Today I noticed just how often I have to force his hand to my belly to wait for a kick and how impatient he is. "Well it's uncomfortable for me to reach that far or bend that way. He always seems to stop moving when I put my hand there. That giant pillow you sleep on is in my way and it's uncomfortable to reach over it." On and on it went.

I sat there listening to this after I asked him if feeling the baby move makes him uncomfortable or feels "weird". That was his response.

My reply to all that whining was of course to mention that there are other ways we could bond, the three of us. If the pillow is in the way, ask me to move it aside so you can spend more time feeling him, or waiting for him to move. But as it turns out..."Well how much time is enough time for you? How long do I have to lay there? One kick and I'm good."

So there it is. This is just a load of tedious business for him. Uncomfortable...impossible...time consuming...too much.

I tried to explain to him how it was with my ex, how little nurturing and bonding I got with those two pregnancies. How I shut down and valued my pregnancies less, just wanted them to be over with because I felt like a disease to that man. I tried to impart on him the fact that this is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity for both of us. It's going to be over so soon.

I asked him not to act so indifferent. I got yelled at, told that nothing he does is ever good enough, and am basically sat here alone while he's doing whatever.

I realize he's entitled to whatever it is he actually feels. He obviously doesn't feel the same way I do.

And why would I want someone to feel forced into that kind of bonding? It already feels weird asking him if he wants to touch my belly. It's just, I DID want this last time to be different. I've needed to have that kind of experience during pregnancy and now that it's my last, I guess I'm realizing I won't ever get it. Not now for sure.

I appreciate all he does do, but this need to feel the awe and wonder of this miracle with the person who helped me create it is strong, and can't be replaced with, "But I get you a drink of water if you need it."

It's very specific this need. I can't shut that off.

So, I'm try to find ways to make myself feel less sad.

Who needs men for this anyways?

🙋🏻‍♀️