FYI..just a long rant..

Lost our baby boy due to my incompetent cervix at 15wks on Dec 28th(just the fact that we could see the sex of the baby when he was born and confirmed it was a boy I now believe I was further along)

I’m angry because I can’t seem to be able to put this blame I’m feeling on someone else. I wish there was no blame to feel. I was so unaware of what precautions to take to prevent losing our baby but not once did I stop to think I it’d happen to us. Now that it did I just have a hunger to hate everyone and everything and never feel any emotion ever again. I would never hurt myself physically, but I can’t help crying myself to sleep every night wishing to not wake up.

I’m hurt because it seems my boyfriend moved on so quick. At first my boyfriend was really there for me by encouraging me to get out of bed to get out and planning things to keep ourselves occupied. I wanted to be there for him too, but how could I if I couldn’t even keep myself together when buying pads at the store? So how is it that he moved on so easily and I’m still stuck on reliving that night at the hospital? Seeing my last ultrasound with him being pushed out of my uterus and not knowing if he was suffering? Having to give birth and then being told it was a boy and only spending 2mins with him until his heart stopped, and trying to memorize every feature of his face, hands and feet before letting him go? The worst is that I regret not holding him in my arms just because I was selfish and didn’t want to remember what his weight felt like..but he was real and I wish everyone had gotten the chance to see him and know him like I did. But all I feel is hurt and anger because no one bothers to ask me “what was he like?” Yet, I’m grateful no one asks about him because I don’t want them to hurt like I am and all I can say is “..oh well..” and just so you know it’s true what they say..you feel as if you’ve reached your maximum amount of love you can give but once their born it’s almost like you untapped even more love from within...it’s just now I have no one to give it to.

Im jealous because as we speak I’m our friends are having their first baby..a boy. She got the chance to carry her baby out full term and I’m extremely happy she had 0 complications. But is it bad I don’t want to see their son yet? We had planned so many things as far as our babies being best friends even if it was a girl. Even talked about letting them have sleepovers at one another’s home on weekends from school. But now their child will be growing up without mine and I’m just supposed to stand back and watch. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to meet the little guy but I’m not ready at all. What’s wrong with me?

I have an appointment to see a therapist on Tuesday and I will most definitely show them this post. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

**To all the women here having to go through this or God forbid will go through this in the future please know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE**