Hi um so like i was raped 131 days ago. And everyday is different. Some days are okay and some are bad and others are unbearable. I wrote this shortly after it happened and sometimes i feel like im back in the same place when i read it. I honestly just wanted to share it bc the point of it was to tell myself that im trying to be okay. So i think thats why im posting this to try to be okay. Thank you to anyone that reads. Im trying.

Its been five days since the thing happened

The thing

Thats what i call it bc i still cant wrap my head around the fact i was raped

Almost as if it didn’t happen

As if i made it up

As if im unclear about what the situation is bc tbh a bitch is still confused

Ya see i know exactly what he did and how he did it

How he manipulated me into trusting him

How he kissed me first and right after he called me beautiful

How he blocked the door but didn’t lock it

Taunting me

Thinking i had an escape but in reality i cant escape what he did

How he held me down and wouldn’t let go

Ignoring every no and stop and plea

My mother taught me never to beg a soul for a god damn thing but that night i did

She always told me begging never worked

And of course mothers always right

Five days

I haven’t slept in five days

I haven’t felt safe in five days

I haven’t loved myself in five fucking days

But its okay

Bc when he took away my feelings of worth and security and happiness he left something in return

Thank god i have i have his cum to remember him by

And the thing is i cant forget

I replay it everywhere i go

I feel his arms wrapped around me

I feel his breath in my ear

His asked me if i liked it

The audacity

This nigga had balls

And i think by then i said nothing

It was like he fucked me into silence

I don’t remember when he stopped

I don’t remember putting my clothes on

I don’t remember walking him out

I do remember crying in stairwell on my way back to my room

I do remember calling my bf terrified bc i didn’t know what to do

I still dont know what to do

All i know is i am fucking trying

And i guess thats all i can do at this point