I’m not sure if I have anxiety or depression or if I’m and average teenager going through normal things in life. This is because I can sometimes go out with friends and be happy but sometimes I feel really anxious like I was invited because I hang around them. And sometimes I can be possibly the most confident person in class then ten minutes later I feel like everybody is judging me and talking about me because I have had some friends in the class confirm that these people talk.

I am also on the chubbier side and my Dad doesn’t help when most of what he says to me is “Your so lazy”and “You need to loose weight” but I’ve had incidents with friends where they have told me that I can’t do things like they can because of my figure and when I was really young and just hitting puppetry I had told my grandmother that I had grown a size because of my height and she turned to me and said that it wasn’t a good thing and that it is unhealthy for me to be how I was and I think that it has stuck with me for a really long time because I loved her and she said something that hurt me so much even as a young child. And my cousins are all really attractive and fit and whenever I get into family photos I feel so horrible and ugly that I don’t like having my photo taken. I get compliments on my hair and the next thing I know they are commenting about how much hair I loose and how 'fat' my hands are. It doesn't help that my cousin came over and kept saying how fat she is when she is the perfect weight and I am clearly fatter than her and they talked about how they both felt and I felt like I couldn't talk about it because one of my insecurities is because of how I feel while being around them. Then we went to buy makeup and I wore foundation on the first day of school and the first thing my friend said to me was 'WOW! You are really orange!' I was feeling good about myself and like I could do anything but they came around and I felt as if I was one of the girls who had 50 layers of makeup on her. Sometimes I just try to reassure myself that I'm not 'the friend that is over-weight, a try-hard and ugly'. Everyday I just think that I should be confident about myself but I wonder about how I should really feel.

I have had people tell and ask if I was gay or transgender because of my haircut and my clothing choices on free-dress days. I will admit that I am bisexual but when I asked what made them think that these where the answers and I’m wear clothes that I see lots of other girls at my school wear. And this has taken such a toll on me that in certain settings I start to tear up and have trouble breathing.

I feel like someone who annoys everyone with her loudness, obsession and abnormality. Yesterday though I was brought to tears by when I made a statement which was immediately correct everyone in the in my group attacked me and then for the rest of the day I felt like utter shit. I feel like whenever I try to do right by people I just become an annoyance. I'm probably one of the try hards. More people are starting to notice my strange habits like talking to myself or when I have a song in my head and I nod to the beat inside my head. I’ve started to change how I act in public like trying not to be so much of a fan-girl and have barely talked about my passions to anyone. I don't think anyone has noticed how quiet I am now at the table because everyone else seems to talk louder whenever I do try to talk. With my school friends I'm actually dreading my birthday. I want to ask my parents if I can have the day off but I know I won't. On Monday our teacher said that after she read our task she was surprised how nobody in the class wanted anything different in the world. She clearly hadn't read mine. Mine was how I would be alone and in a dark room with my phone for days on end on 75% of the universe and the rest is only a select few people who I would spend time with. None of them are my friends from school.

One of my friends outside of school has been telling me to stop talking in the group chats and making others but when I do I’m told not to talk in those either. I know that she has friends outside of school but I want to be able to be myself around them too. I feel like she is ashamed of me and doesn’t really want me to go to her party but needs to invite me. I am also slowly being replaced by the new girl at school. She is a lot smarter and prettier than me. The girls take and choose her over me when doing group work. I don’t think I’m on a single one of their Instagram photos but they ask me to take them and always complain about how I do it. I know I keep saying the wrong things all the time and I know that I need to see some sort of therapist to either be diagnosed with something or just to talk about my situation at school but how do I tell my parents how are going out of pocket for my sport that I’m not happy with myself. How I’m not normal, I’m fat/ on the brink of obese and I don’t think I’ll ever be in a relationship. My friends have found someone they like for some period of time but I’m the type of girl who gets paper thrown at her during class and gets my foot kicked during assemblies. I mean I cried during class, the teacher did nothing, my classmates only fucking whispered and looked like I was some circus animal.

saddd

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