My heart is so heavy.

I know 10 months isn’t a long time compared to a lot of couples but I’m hurting so much. My heart is hurting. I don’t even want to try anymore. But I don’t know how to not try. I want a baby more than anything else. I’m so ready to have a family. To be a mommy. Y’all, my heart is so heavy. It’s always negative after negative & I know it will be. I can never brace myself. This month I’m choosing not to test & even if I don’t test, I know I’ll be hurt. I’m cramping right now, so I know my period will come tomorrow. I’m not ready for it. I just want to call in to work & lay in my bed. This journey wasn’t something I was prepared for. I’m losing every bit of hope I have left. Maybe motherhood isn’t what is in store for me. My aunt asked me jokingly to be her surrogate a while ago, I’m so hurt because I can’t even have my own kid. I’ve always thought to myself I could never carry someone else’s child because of attachment but just this short struggling journey I’ve been through, I would do it. I would go through the pain for her & I would deal with it. She’s 47 & has never been pregnant. My heart hurts for her. My heart hurts for every single one of you. I hope you all get your BFP. I hope one day we all get the mothering journey we deserve... 💔