DH and i have many issues though we’ve managed to somehow hide from friends and family. we both adhere to the belief that any marital issues should be between husband and wife only. so most people think that we live a pretty peaceful and abundant life.

but we’re far from that. even before we got married, i’ve been the one supporting us both (but people think my DH, then fiance, has a very well paying job - he’s a little proud so he doesn’t tell people he doesn’t have work, and i was in love with him so i never contested that — i didn’t want friends to think i chose a broke fiancé, or worse a “loser”). even 5 years in our marriage, he can barely hold a job. from his stories, i surmise he always ended up clashing with someone (mostly more senior than him) and he’s always the one let go. in those 5 years, the longest he held on to a job is probably 5 months (all in all, he probably worked for a total of 12 months in those 5 years) . i have a decent job, and if i’m spending only for myself, i would have saved a lot. but since i’m supporting both of us, i ended up broke too. i paid for rent for a $4000 4br house (that DH chose - he didn’t want a cramped apartment), i paid for $1200 car loan (he bought a tesla - he paid the down payment but i ended up paying for the monthly loan because he ended up losing his job right after), i paid for all utilities at the house including his cell phone. i gave him health insurance, i even paid for our own wedding, my engagement ring and all vacations we took. whenever we fight, i admit i bring these all up to his face. because he can be very harsh with his words (he called me ugly and fat a few times which really hurt me because i’ve low self esteem), i know the only way i can lash back at him is to point out that i’m paying for everything in his life.

i brought my mom to the US as soon as i was legally able to and she lived with us. we also hid the fact that he often doesn’t have a job from her. she’d help in maintaining the house, even though her ways often clashed with our ways. that often caused rifts between her and DH. when we had our first child, she helped in taking care of her. so despite her ways, i still see her a very big help in our household. this wasn’t the case for DH. he’d often say nasty things in her presence, and my mom, clueless as she is and with her bad hearing, doesn’t always catch on that he’s disrespecting her. at some point, i overheard him telling my mom to get out of our house. we ended up fighting because of that. i will never disrespect his parents, let alone throw them out on the streets but he had the propensity to do that even if i was the one paying for rent! my mom ended up finding a job, and she ended up staying with us shorter, but she made sure that her days off fall off on weekdays so that she can stay with us to take care of our kid so we don’t have to pay for daycare or a nanny while “we” work. again, this is relief on our pockets but for DH, it seems nothing. whenever he’s irritated with her and i point out how she’s helping us, he says we can always hire a nanny (maybe i should say i instead of we since i will be the one paying for that). middle of last year, we ended up moving 2 hours away from my mom’s work so we had to leave her behind (i felt so guilty for leaving her on her own in a foreign country but she didn’t want to quit her job - she actually cried as i drove her and all her stuff to her work’s apartment as i know she’s scared that she’s suddenly on her own).

i gave birth barely a couple weeks ago to our second child. i had plans to send some stuff to my sisters living in another country so i had some stuff lying around by the hallway leading to our garage. i was planning to pack them all before my due date. but baby came early before i managed to pack the stuff. first day we got home from the hospital, DH was already nagging annoyingly at me to finish packing the stuff. this, just 2 days after being emotionally and physically drained from a natural birth — where i had to have 2 epidurals, that still didn’t seem to work because i still felt everything down there. they had to give me local anesthesia bec i can feel the needle when i was being stitched up. then, our son was also circumcised but we lost the gauze that the hospital gave that we’re supposed to use to cover his wound. so when i asked DH if he knows where the gauze and vaseline are, he started another litany about me being so messy and not knowing where i put things. i was so tired that i ended up snapping back and that started a huge fight. i told him i will end up with PPD because of him and not because of the baby. and his comeback at me were all over the place. he said i’m a failure at breastfeeding and its my karma because i’m a bad person (this despite him knowing how much i’ve always wanted to breastfeed and how hard i’m trying to be able to do so). that i came from a poor dysfunctional family. that my dad was an alcoholic who never accomplished anything in life (my dad passed away even before i met my DH. he doesn’t really know him and i think it’s really disrespectful of him, how can my dead dad defend himself???), that my mom is useless and could barely hear, our house in my original home country is tattered, that our family will never amount to anything because we’re poor, etc. that’s when i lost it. it’s ok to pick a fight with me and insult me, but for him to insult my entire family, who’s not even supposed to be in the picture and not part of our original argument, was too much. i ended up screaming at the top of my lungs like a deranged person that my 20 month old got scared. i don’t know what got over me, i suppose all the hormonal imbalance. i told him i’m done with him, and the kids and i are leaving him. but he’s trying to scare me by saying if i take the kids, he’ll report me for abducting the kids. that they’ll be in missing child case and i’ll be immediately arrested and put in prison and possibly raped and all.

he will not willingly let me leave him so how do i do it? can he really report me for missing child case? can i just take the kids, let him report me but immediately call authorities to let them know i’m still in the area, and that i only want to divorce my DH?

sorry for the long story but i just wanted to tell you what i’ve been through with this guy and that me wanting a divorce from him is not just due to some hormonal imbalance but has been weighing on me for a long time. i guess i’ve just reached the end of the rope.