Sorry for the extremely long post.

Three months ago was the worst month of my life. We were 20 weeks and went in for our gender scan. The doctor seeming so concerned about her size (one arm was in the 1 percentile and another was in the 4th) requested that we go to a high risk doctor to get some more genetic testing done. Not really sure what that meant but I was scared. They got me in two days later and when the doctor came in I knew it was bad.

She told me that she most likely had t21 and recommended that I have an amino done. I refused at first because of the chance of miscarriage so decided to wait after our blood test came back.

Four days later she called me and told me we tested 72% positive for t21. We held on to that 28%. We thought since our first test came back negative for downs then this one must be wrong. We decided to do the amino.

Two days later, the day after thanksgiving, the doctor called and told me she was 99% positive for t21. My heart sank. I was completely devastated. And then she told me we needed to make a decision. What decision?? The decision to terminate. I got so angry that she even said those words to me. Never, never in a million years would I terminate my baby. We would get through it.

I called my doctor and set up a meeting to discuss our option and honestly I was so ignorant about Down syndrome, I knew nothing about it. So I wanted us to educate ourselves before we made a decision.

After our doctors appointment, coming home with a stack of papers of the severe complications that most children have with t21 we sat and read through it. We talked about it over and over and over again. I couldn’t believe how bad this can be. What’s even worse is not knowing how bad our baby girl would have been.

That’s the worst part I think is the unknown. At this point we just knew she wasn’t growing, being 3 weeks behind.

I remember the day we finally made the decision. It still haunts me. Now I had to prepare myself for something I never thought I would ever do.

Fast forward to the worst day of my life. I was 24 weeks. 24 fucking weeks. I felt her kick every. Single. Day.

I literally had no idea what I was about to endure. They didn’t really prepare me for what I had to go through. Because I was so far along, and most states don’t do termination past so many weeks i had to go to a special clinic. And it sucked.

I didn’t realize the day I walked into that place was the day I would lose my baby. They didn’t prepare me for that. What was even more heart wrenching is that this whole experience would take four days and I had to do it all ALONE. My husband and mom were NOT allowed in the room with me.

Because of how small she was and how far behind it only took 3 days for the process. The day I had to deliver her I will never forget. The pain was unbearable. Mentally and physically. The nurse asked us if we wanted to see her and we declined. She told us that honestly that was the best decision and that it wasn’t good. Whatever that means. But for a split second it made me feel a little better.

I am still recovering mentally. I have been going to a therapist but honestly she just doesn’t understand. Yes I lost my baby girl but it was our decision. And I’m still struggling. I should be 8 months pregnant. Even typing that makes me cry. It’s so unfair. I don’t understand how this happened to us or why we had to make that decision.

I just want to be pregnant again. I think that’s the only thing that would make me feel better. I finally got my period so we tried a couple days ago. I hope it worked but I don’t know how long it usually takes someone to get pregnant after TFMR.

I won’t ever forget her and I will always love her.