I’ve had 3 abortions

What kind of a monster am i. The first one I was 16. I had been raped by someone I thought was my best friend. Was just pressured into an abortion by everyone, didn’t really give it any thought as I was so young and scared and traumatized. This completely fucked me up for a long time. I honestly think I had PTSD from the abortion itself. It took me a long time until I got pregnant with my daughter to move on.

The second time I got pregnant I was 18 and I kept her and that’s the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life.

The third time I got pregnant was after I had my daughter, she was 16 months old, I was 20, and me and her fathers relationship was deteriorating, he had convinced me that getting an abortion could save our relationship and that we couldn’t provide for a second child. He broke up with me anyway, a month later. This one wasn’t as hard to move on from, maybe because i know bringing another child into a failed and toxic relationship is wrong.

The fourth time I got pregnant was this past November, my daughter had just turned 2 years old. I have been with my boyfriend since July, he was leaving for the navy and his family was very unsupportive, I didn’t think i could handle doing it all by myself with my daughter who I already have. This one was the hardest because originally I planned on keeping it. I let myself get attached and make plans. I even got an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. I wanted this baby. I thought he wanted it too. But then right before he left for boot camp, he just flipped a switch, he told his family and I realized they wouldn’t be there and my family doesn’t live nearby and he would be gone in the navy. reality hit me, I got scared, I got too fucking scared and didn’t want to be alone, so at 9 weeks, I had an abortion. Then I got an infection. I had to have the procedure done again. At the time I didn’t regret it.

Then he gets sent home from boot camp due to asthma. Fast forward to now he’s found a good job with the postal service and he’s home and won’t be on a boat for months at a time. We could’ve done it.

I saw my baby’s heart beating and i still had it sucked out of me and disposed of, even worse, there was leftover parts of its poor body in me and I had to have it sucked or again.

The only solace in all of this is I have my precious daughter but I share custody with her father and so when she is not with me I think about all of this and it kills me.

How I could have three abortions. After the one i has at 16 I never thought I’d have another one but here I am.

I close my eyes I see the picture of my baby in my head with the flickering heartbeat and see it moving around with it’s tiny arms and legs. And I killed it. Sure it didn’t feel pain. Wasn’t sentient. But does that make it not wrong? I don’t know. I’ve has three abortions, it seems so awful, like I just use them as birth control which isn’t the case, I was actually on birth control when I got pregnant except for when I was 16

I don’t know how to move on from this.