I think I am struggling

So I am on well was on medication.

I was on sertraline to stop depressive episodes

Olanzapine to stop my “over happy”episodes

And propranolol for when I go out and about and feel like it all too much so I suppose anxiety.

So last year I found out I was pregnant, went to doctor about my medication and they felt that the risks of me coming off were higher than the risks than if I stayed on it but we did drop propranolol (my dr knows I don’t go out without any one being with me)

Unfortunately I miscarried in November and obviously I read online which I never had before the risks of the specific medication and doses I was on,

So me being me and my “why should I need tablets just to be normal” attitude

I stopped taking my medication

I know I shouldn’t have, well I didn’t tell my partner because he is my rock and he always thinks logical but obviously “I know me best” 🙄

December my grandfather passed away, and considering everything else happening I thought I was doing well coping with everything.

So beginning January we find out I am pregnant again, which obviously over joyed and my partner first said we need to speak to your doctor about your medication, that’s when I told him “well I haven’t been taking it, and to be fair I have handled things really well, I can do this without medication, I am adamant I can”

He agreed I had though he did notice a change in me but obviously after what had happened he put it down to just general grieving & stress.

I am now 6 weeks + 4 and I understand I am going to be hormonal, but the last two days I just haven’t been me, and not because I am feeling pregnant or whatever I just feel like a mess, and well tbh I can’t even put my finger on it what I am feeling. One minuet I am feeling just nothing the next I want to cry, but I just don’t know what to do about it, my partner is super supportive with me & holy crap the patience of a saint he is just amazing, but I feel like I would be letting him down by saying “I am struggling” I can’t tell my mother because she doesn’t know I am pregnant and she will give me a grilling about my medication. But I don’t want to go to the doctors “behind my partners back” I just really don’t know what to do, is it just hormones or something else. Part of me is saying it’s just hormones chill every one else manages them fine.

I am sorry for the long post, & if it’s in the wrong group