I need to vent :(

Lately I have been going through some depression at home since I started staying home with my baby. Nothing major, just feel tired and unmotivated. I love staying home with her and wouldn’t want to change it. But lately my marriage has been making my depression even worse.

I know I’m not perfect, and I’ve told my husband that I’ve been dealing with this depression and that I’m sorry I haven’t been the best wife as far as household duties. But I’ve been trying to make an effort to motivate myself more to keep up with the housework, cook a good dinner most nights (we get takeout sometimes), and make sure he always has clean laundry.

I feel like he gets jealous that I’m at home with our baby every day. But at the same time he wants me to be. He doesn’t want her in day care or with a baby sitter. But then turns around and makes comments about how I do nothing.

I’ve really been trying to make efforts to motivate myself and make changes in myself to pull myself out of it, but any time we have a disagreement he calls me lazy, acts like I never cook, or that I cook takes no effort (I made him baked chicken wings which are his favorite and he made comments about how it takes no effort so who cares that I cooked) , or that it’s nothing that I just did all the laundry and cleaned up.

We had a disagreement today that we always have. He always gets mad any time I eat anything around him when he wants to relax. He has an issue with hearing people eat. So he started being mean to me because Ive been really hungry lately because of breast feeding and I wanted to have a snack before we took a nap. He kept asking me every 2 minutes if I was done yet then started saying how selfish I am for not letting him sleep because I want to eat. And started making comments about how I always eat. So I threw away the bag of chips and went to sleep because who would want to continue to eat after that.

Today at my daughters occupational therapy appointment, I got annoyed because I was holding my daughter upright but she was fussing a little and he didn’t want to hold up the toy for her, so I had to hold her upright (she can’t sit up on her own) hold her binky for her in her mouth so she wouldn’t accidentally drop it on the dirty floor and hold the toy, while he just sat and watched. I just wanted him to push the button on the toy for her so she wouldn’t fuss. He got mad because he said he was sitting on his side for a few minutes helping already. So I said ok like I don’t get why that’s such a huge deal, so he called me fat. (I weigh 160).

I just feel like he’s being so mean to me all the time and acting very irrational and having mean outbursts at me. I am aware that I’m not a perfect wife, and Im trying to get past this depression, but he’s honestly just making it worse. And there’s nothing I can do because he doesn’t think he’s wrong. He thinks he’s acting this way because of how I am.

He always says I’m bossy. It’s so unfair because he’s so irresponsible. If I don’t make him get up for work he will just sleep past his alarms, then he acts like an asshole to me for annoying him by waking him up. If I don’t tell him what to do all the time he won’t do any of it. But then he gets mad and says I’m bossy all the time. Its just not fair. I wouldn’t be bossy if he did things on his own. 😞

I haven’t had dinner because I’m really uncomfortable eating around him anymore. Like I don’t want to be harassed for eating.

I just feel really sad and stuck. 😞 I try to be a better wife and pull out of my depression so he won’t act so mean but it just doesn’t work because he will shoot it all down any time we have a disagreement. So what’s the point.