After almost 6 years, I have come to the realization that my toxic relationship is officially coming to an end.

After millions of arguments, tears, break ups and make ups, insults, lies, and everything else in between, i have reached a point where there is nothing that can be done to fix any of our problems, even temporarily. I have always been so stubborn and still am when it comes to walking away from him. I am fully aware of how emotionally abusive my relationship has been for a very long time but the fear of being without him and dealing with the pain that comes after leaving him is so terrifying to me. I have managed to not see my boyfriend for two months now, which is why he’s also giving up now because it’s something I’ve never done before. He claims that he has now begun to lose interest, which to me is so hurtful because you can’t just stop loving someone in two months if you’ve loved them for 6 years.. 😕 I don’t know if he tells me this to convince me to see him, or just to hurt me. I’m just in so much pain. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through because he’s my first love, the person I gave my virginity to, and the person I’ve grown up with. But he is so terrible to me. He controls every aspect of my life, constantly insults me and tells me I’m nothing, doesn’t let me do anything, and always plays with my feelings. I’ve been in a constant battle with myself, trying to stay strong and finally walk away and also missing him so much and wishing things could be the way they are when things seem “perfect”.. someone help me cope with this 😞 I try to end things with him on good terms, but he never lets me. He either doesn’t let me leave and says he cares about me or is just mean to me about it in general. And now he went off the fact that I haven’t seen him and started to say I’m useless to him if I don’t see him so that he doesn’t want to be with me like this.. now he blocked me and its killing me because I don’t want things to end that way. I’ve wanted for us to do it nicely and on good terms and not make it harder than it is for the sake of at least having some type of closure 😕

I don’t know how to deal with this pain, I don’t know if that’ll be the last time he speaks to me or not. He constantly comes and goes, but I’m afraid he’ll just really not care to leave things this way. I know it’s stupid of me to feel this way, I should be glad that it’s coming to an end but I can’t help but feel so terrible and so afraid. I’m so scared of being without him and I am absolutely TERRIFIED of seeing him with somebody else. I don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but the pain is unbearable. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to be alive anymore if it means having to deal with this pain..😞

Someone help me figure out how to get through this because I feel like an addict going through withdrawal and all I want is him, even when I know he’s the worst thing for me. I don’t know how to let him go. I don’t know how to stop this and I feel so empty.

I just want the pain to end.