Its been 20 years...

Yesterday I talked to my biological father on the phone for two hours...

It had been 20 years since we spoke. I was 14 then, 34 now.

I was so weird to hear his voice.

He started in really hot and defensive, but I quickly showed him that I'm not a grudge holder and don't possess an angry heart...the mood quickly changed.

It was touch and go on a few subjects....

The last time we talked I was calling to tell him that I was having heart surgery the next day and he told me, "I don't want you"...I was 14, hung up, and the next day at the hospital my mom told me he had cancelled my insurance so she was stuck with the bill. After talking to him he said the last thing I said to him was, "fuck you, jerk!". I don't remember that at alllll.

He always promised me that he'd show up to my 18th birthday, when I was an adult, and could think for myself, and then we could have a relationship...

He never did. Never even heard a peep out of him. I was waiting until I turned 36-double the time he said, and then I was going to reach out to him saying, "it's been twice as long, where have you been?"

But yesterday morning I had a dream about him that he came to visit me at work...this is the first time in my entire life that I've ever dreamed of was the young version-the one I knew then... He came to visit me at work, and tried to help me load some heavy loads but I wouldn't let him. Then he tried to buy me lunch and I wouldn't let him do that either. Then my Dad (my step dad, the one who raised me) came I to the picture and I let him buy me lunch and then I woke up.

That lead me to tell my uncle (his brother who I've been in contact with super rarely via Facebook), who gave me his number and told me to call.

I always said I wouldn't want contact with bio dad until my step-dad passed away...out of respect for my step-dad. I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we talked yesterday.

My step-dad is my best friend, always was/is there for me, still lives in the house I grew up in, we travel together, etc. But, when I was younger, I asked my step-dad if I could call him dad and he said no. I understood, out of respect for his two real kids-both older than me. Even though we are besties, he never tells he loves me, although I don't really need him to because I have no doubt in my mind that he does. We do every thing together! Even though I'm not his, I'm sure I'm the favorite hahaha I'm partially kidding, wink* wink*. This man has been there for me for 30 years.

Problem is, my bio dad also has a daughter, older than me, and she is/has always been the apple of his eye. His world.

I just always feel like I'm the "extra" daughter. It sucks. Both dad's have taken care of their real kids, helped them though college/life, etc.

I told my bio dad yesterday that I got emancipated when I was 16. He couldn't believe it. That I had been on my own for so long. I put myself through college and still, 15 years later, owe money on my student loans. I feel stressed and cheated. Where could I have been, had I had someone on my team? What potentials could've been reached?

I dunno...

I'm more or less happy, have been married 14 years almost-to a saint King of a man, I have a good job.

Guess I'm just feeling emotional and confused.

What do you think?

Thanks for letting me rant. Feels good to get it off my chest.