My life as I knew it.

I should warn you this is very descriptive, but hey this is real life.

So here I was living the same day over and over. Waking up in a panic, cold sweat clinging to the small of my back as well as every nook and cranny I didn’t even think were a possibility to perspirate from. I look down at my goosebump covered skin that I think looks strikingly gray when I know last night it was normal. Feeling lightheaded, I drag myself from my creaky futon and dress myself in a t-shirt and leggings but I’m still freezing, which is crazy because I can feel the sweat sticking my t-shirt to me almost immediately. I throw on a sweater and drag my aching body in front of the mirror. The girl in front of me with gray-ish skin looks familiar, mostly because I see her every morning but she’s most definitely not me. I smear cover up over the gray girl’s face and flick mascara on her eyelashes. It seems to help. Now the decay isn’t as noticeable. Her sunk in eyes and dark bags covered by tan colored frosting. She’d almost be pretty if she wasn’t starting to sweat off her disguise. So I turn away disgusted by her. I grab my shoulder bag and call Josh to get my day started with a scheme or if I already have money, I wait for him to come whisk away my broken excuse for a body to chase my cure. We drive and do whatever extremely ridiculous length to sit and wait for relief and it always seems to take forever. I look over at josh, who’s a slightly gray-er version of the josh I said goodbye to yesterday, and he’s suffering just as much as me. I sit in the blistering heat but I’m freezing. My sweater’s sticking to my sweaty goosebump covered flesh. Then relief shows up better late than never and I undoubtedly pay whatever price for my long lost love. Relief looks like a small baggie with dark gray pebbles just beneath it’s transparent surface and relief is beautiful. Josh and I drive to the nearest place where I can lock myself within a bathroom. I split the pebbles between us and throw my bag over my shoulder to drag myself to this much needed privacy. Baggie in hand, I find myself limping into the most vile excuses for public restrooms. I lock the door and drop my bag to the floor and fish out my water bottle, a pad and my needle. I uncap the water bottle and leave the lid face upward like a little dish. I dig my fingers into my baggie of relief and with a shaky hand I drop some of the dark gray pebbles into my awaiting dish. I uncap my needle and dip it into my water bottle, draw back the plunge and then squirt the water into my little awaiting dish of pebbles. I use the plunge to help crush up the dissolving dope till the lid is nearly a black, murky, little pool. I lick the plunge and shudder. Heroin on my tongue. I rip open the pad and tear apart it’s insides, pinching a little pillow of white cotton, rolling it between my fingers, then dropping it into the lid, watching my little pillow then turn into the dark gray of a thunderstorm cloud. I dip the tip of my needle into the gray cotton and pull the plunge till there’s nothing left in the lid but a light gray version of the cotton hugging the bottom. I tear off my sweater and tie off my left arm, smacking my favorite vein, willing it to become defined, squeezing my hand to a fist repeatedly as my track ravaged vein begins to protrude. I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror. The fucking gray girl. She’s sweat off most of her disguise. Her decay is obvious again. She really does haunt me. I look away from her and focus on my relief. I flick all of the bubbles from my needle and drive it’s tip into the bulging scarred vein in my arm, which is turning slightly purple. I use my shaky hand to push the the needle deeper till I feel a slight pop and I know the needle is in. I don’t even have to pull to see the blood register but I do. I shudder as the dope takes in a reddish tint and I shakily push the contents home. After releasing the tie and removing the needle, I meet eyes with the gray girl one last time until I’m forced to see her sickly ass again. I lean in close and watch the brown of her eyes become bigger, her pupils shrinking. The dope washing over me like a tide drowning the gray girl. Heroin in my veins feels like home. The sweat and goosebumps fade away leaving me feeling the closest to heaven I’ll ever be. I look up and the color is returning to the gray girl’s skin. She disappears. I look and see myself where she once stood. I can’t be the gray girl but she is me. I drown us every fucking day.

This picture I vaguely remember even taking. I remember feeling sick and posted this to my Facebook telling everyone I was sick and not going to be answering my phone. Shortly after doing so, I overdosed and was dumped at a friends house for them to “deal with me”.

Today I am 2 years and 7 months sober and just found out I’m pregnant. Lives can change if you give it your all. I know I wouldn’t have gotten this far if it wasn’t for all the support I’ve received through the years.

*EDIT: THANK YOU ladies so much! It’s incredible how much support I’ve gotten from all of you on this post. I don’t normally post much at all but finding out my great news has pushed me to talk about all I’ve went through in my life up until now. For those of you who have gone through addiction and beat it, IM SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS TOO! We can all make it through with each other’s support. To those who have said I should write a book, I’ve thought about it but it’s going to take a lot of time and I currently don’t have that right now. So for now, I tell my story on here, facebook and to people out and about. I love being able to help others by sharing my experience and helping them through their tough times. Happy baby dust to you all! X