In law troubles
Okay, I don't normally ask random strangers for advice, but I'm at a loss...my mother in law has been a boundaries offender since my husband and I started dating 6 years ago. She is controlling and manipulative. For example, she wanted to put my baby in a rocker during a family meal, but I picked my baby up and instead held her for the meal. She told my husband later that that "hurt her feelings" that I held MY baby instead of putting her in the rocker and offended her that my baby cried during for meal.
She also showed up uninvited WITH HER FRIENDS when I was four days postpartum, two days home from the hospital with an hour notice, 30 minutes of which were spent at the doctor's office returning the bili light my daughter had needed the night before and rechecking bili levels. I had to hobboe around to try to clean the house for the uninvited and unwelcome guests. She tried to justify it by saying, "But they brought gifts." Which, if you ask me, also sounds a lot like manipulation.
In addition, she argues with me anytime I suggest my baby might need her diaper changed or might be hungry, even "joking" that I "just want to play with her bottom," when I checked her diaper. Who jokes like that???? Who thinks that's funny???
Every time we see her, if I say that I think my daughter might be hungry, she responds with things like, "She'd be crying a lot harder if she were hungry."
Furthermore, a month after my daughter was born, she was having trouble gaining weight, so at the recommendation of two lactation consultants and multiple pediatricians, I'd nurse, then pump and give her a bottle of expressed milk. My mother in law insisted she didn't need bottles, but I just rolled my eyes and kept offering them at the advice of multiple professionals. Well, it was time to pump, so I left my daughter in my in laws living room with my in laws and her dad and a one ounce bottle of milk. I asked them to give her up to four ounces if she drank it. I walked out of the room where I had been pumping 20 minutes later to find they had not given her additional milk, even though my husband had separately told them she was hungry and asked them to give her additional milk, and had instead shoved a paci in her mouth (which my mil (mother-in-law) was very proud of). I came in and took the paci (because we were having trouble gaining weight and nursing...a paci is not helpful), and suggested that she's probably hungry. My mil (mother-in-law) said, "I think she was fussing because her diaper needs changed.". Okay...so let me get this right...she literally has a huge weeping wound on her bottom because her poop is acidic, you're totally aware, and when she has a wet diaper, you respond by giving her a paci??? Not only that, she completely ignored direct instructions by both my husband and me.
My husband has tried talking to her (which was really hard for him... she's extremely manipulative and he's attested of her), and she said I'm just overreacting. I've tried talking to her 5 years ago about boundaries towards the end of our engagement, and it was also not well received. I don't know what to do. I want my daughter to have a relationship with her grandparents, but I don't feel like they'd meet her needs if allowed to babysit. In the 20 minutes I pumped with both my husband and I in the house and my husband maybe 5 feet from them, they didn't make any effort to meet her needs and completely ignored our wishes, totally running over my husband to his face. How do I maintain a healthy relationship with them but still make sure my daughter is well cared for and my parenting is respected? HELP!!!