First emotional blowout in years...

Let me start by saying I’m in no way discontent with my life. I love my husband, I love my kids, I tolerate the work I do, and I’m on the path to make a better future for us as a family. But today was hard. These last few weeks have been hard. I’m doubting where I’m headed in life and if everything I’ve ever wanted is in fact what I’ve wanted. My oldest is 5 and lately we have been having a rough time at home due to an issue with another child at school. I’m usually calm and collected when it comes to her but today I snapped. I felt awful for snapping because not only did I scare her but I scared my youngest. My husband came home and he lost his temper at our oldest even though it wasn’t necessary. And I just got a wave of feelings that maybe I’m not meant to add a third baby to our family yet. I love this baby so much and it twists my heart to even think about giving my child up for adoption. I completely shut down and turned into basically a walking corpse. I just was hit with such an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt that I can’t help my oldest work through these new emotions she’s having, guilt of my youngest not getting to be my baby for a good time like her sister, guilt that I snapped at my oldest just because all my doubts and anxieties have built up over the weeks and she was the straw the broke the camels back. I just needed to say this somewhere so it doesn’t eat me alive. I haven’t felt this way in ten years and I hate how it feels but I’m unsure if it’s just my hormones or life catching up to me.