Just writing my thoughts out. Just have nobody to talk to but need to get this shit out.

I've been with him on and off since I was 14. Since I turned 18 we moved into our own apartment. Didnt mean for it to happen like that at first. My mother was so abusive toward me. Not really physically often but very much verbally. He was looking for his own place. I had a job and was saving so we looked together. He was sweet then loving...the way he kissed looked talked touched me was everything. He seemed to respect me and my feelings then. It turned very quickly I turned from feeling like a Queen to feel oh so very low....I dont even feel like dirt could explain the low...but Im 22 soon tb 23. Anywho he started cheating but I stayed forgave tried and he kept on. I found myself in tears by myself every day. Wondering why he was there with her but came home every night acting happy and fucking on me and shit. Then I asked myself "Why are you still here knowing this is going on?" Instead of being tge better person and breaking it off I cheated. I feel so horrible about I wish I could change it. I told him because it ate at me and I wanted him to have a choice weather to stay or to go. He was so fucking hurt he just does know I feel like im dying all over again thinking back of holding him in my arms in tears. I was so fucking numb for weeks to his touch kiss before I seen all the love in his eyes in tears. I felt like complete shit. So I dealt with cheating him pushing me away. The last time he cheated was a year ago. Its been 4 years since ive touched another person. Ive literally dedicated my time to work and our relationship....but im just now realizing its been four damn years oh showing where I was actually where i was..or he smell my pussy and look at it before I get in the shower. I still get accused it never really matters. We are supposed to be getting lie detector to reassure we are both on the same page. But all the accusing and other shit he does like yelling at me because we have got physical he over powered me like a man would do as why he supposed to be there to protect! Im so fucking mad at myself for continuing to put up with this. I always say well he doesnt act like that all the time just every other day pshh. I was so fucking dumb well still am I just breaking through this fuck this stupid shit im a Queen and ilI deserve to be treated as such. So now I plan to go to school and work and sleep until I feel better or reach my goal. Im only going to focus on me. Im going to miss his dick man lol...but its not worth it if its not my King attached to it. Which sucks because we was TTC after miscarrying but I deserve to be loved on not mistreated. Idc about the oh he aint cheating tho! Fuck off man its just as bad of a feeling to love but not to feel that shit back. I just wanted a little one of my own so bad. 😔😒 may be misspelled words idc i was crying just typing my feelings out.