Desperate For Help and Advice!!!

I am so desperate for help. It’s long but ladies please please please !! Please help me by reading and advising ! Thank you so much !

I was with a man for 5 years and he cheated on me and was very unaffectionate and only said he miss me and loved me if I asked. I think out of 5 years maybe he said it once in his own. I felt deprived and longed for it. I stayed around because I loved him.

Later we had a son and he cheated on me pregnant. I forgave him. After going to couples counseling and making a promise to one another , I found out and saw for my own eye he was driving to hotels to meet women for sex and pay them. In his phone I counted 12 women. I was devastated and I felt dirty. I remember gasping for air and screaming when I saw it. Stupid stupid stupid me , after a few weeks of him begging me , I forgive him ( not really) but I took him back thinking about our son and our family. I started to have nightmares of him with women. I started to wake up crying. I didn’t trust anyone , not even women. I had to go to therapy. It was tough to deal with. I didn’t feel like I was good enough. My self esteem drop completely. I used to model. I’m athletic toned, weighted 120 pounds. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me.

So here is the most embarrassing and stupid part - this happened August 2017, and I’m still hurting !! I still have dreams. Fast forward (2018-2019)we had ups and downs because I was always suspicious as he was still lying about things. Later found out I was pregnant and he got upset and I went through the entire pregnancy alone.

Throughout the pregnancy he called me names and stressed me because I decided to cut him off even though we had a child together. I felt like he was loin to my life and I needed to heal for whatever he put me through. It was seriously affecting my daily routine. My thoughts were not good.

Eventually when I was having the baby , he begged me to let him come to the hospital to see another son ( born Jan 2019), he started talking about how I’m a good person and we need to be good to one another and he will change how he treat me etc, etc. So I let him come to see the baby . 😔 I had a csection and he didn’t once help me move around, wash, do nothing ! He said I should ask him he is not a mind reader. After I left hospital he was back to being an asshole again. I felt stupid and like I lost my power after I had stayed away from him to heal. He also refused to keep our other son so I can care for the baby in the NICU who was there for a month. So I was home a lot not able to bond and even missed 2 full weeks because my 3 year old got the flu and he refused to keep him that time too.

((Almost Done -I’m sorry it’s so long. )).

The baby finally came home. He stopped taking my calls and text. He hasn’t even seen the baby for the last 2 weeks since he was home. He was ignoring me to feel pride I guess. I felt like he was being me a few months ago when I tried to separate my self , now I look like the stupid one trying to reach him because I decided to do the right thing. Lastly , I don’t feel a bond with the baby. I feel tired. I feel fatigue. I don’t feel like doing anything. I keep crying and most importantly the nightmares from the traumatic experience that I never got over, cake back ! !! I wake up with my heart racing and my stomach hurts and I need to run to the bathroom and Sometimes I have shaky hands. Another thing is - he is on my mind too, first thing when I wake up ! What’s wrong with me ??!?

I’m hurting and I’m lost, alone , scared, and fighting this pain I never healed from ( the cheating) with prostitutes. I’ll add that he was kind of mentally abusive and it may contribute to my feelings. I felt like a sex toy- See photo.

Please please help me with advice. Should I cut him off again? I feel like he may be toxic to my life but it’s so hard because we have kids. Am I going through depression ???