Can't Stop Hurting

A little background: I've been over 4 years free of a horribly abusive relationship in which my daughter was conceived just before I escaped. I didn't find out until 10+wks along, but left around 4wks.

I've also raised and shown dogs since I was 13. This has been a HUGE part of my life and my only passion and hobby in life. I gave it up(showing, not the dogs) to go to work 60+ hrs/wk to raise my baby girl comfortably. Her father hasn't ever paid support(😒 *shocked face*).

Fast forward to last year. I met this amazing guy who made me feel special and every bit as if my life may be falling into some sort of stability and even a dream come true. My mom passed away. My daughter and I moved in with him that same day. At first, things were amazing! We got everything set up for my dogs. We bought dairy beef calves, and began planning how to grow the farm. Then, money got tight, so I asked to go to work again, even just part time to help cover the extra. Things have been progressively getting bad since I started working.

I just can't take the emotional stabs any longer. I entered my first dog show in at least 2 years. It's next weekend. I am beyond excited about it, but am being guilted for spending money on my dogs when they are "useless." I've had 5 failed breedings in the last year, no puppies to show for the money I've put into attempting to breed. So I somewhat get his point of view, but I love my dogs as if they are my own kids. They have been my life and love long before I met him. I can't take the jokes about the "25¢ pill" to "solve that problem." Snide remarks, joking, offering to shoot my dogs so that they aren't costing me so much money or wearing me out emotionally with failed breedings.

As if that isn't enough, he's constantly joking that I should, "Give [my best friend] another chance. He'd make a good father to my daughter." What am I supposed to think? Today, a friend offered to send me help at the dog show in the form of one of her older guy friends. His exact response, "Oh, her boyfriend?" I simply said no. He added, "Well, maybe he'll be your new one." 😕 I'm not looking for a new one. I've never been a cheater, nor considered doing so.

Then, there are the demands to clean something up right that second(usually a mess made by a dog). Or, the remarks/comments hinting at how much I DON'T do. What about all the things that I DO?! Like, working full time with 24 kids that beat me up, run off, or generally just give me headaches?! Or ALL the grocery shopping?! I feed/water/groom my dogs all myself and scoop poop myself. I rarely ask for help carrying water to them. I cleaned the barn out by myself a few weeks ago. It's the first it was ever done since I moved in.

And the final straw... He and my daughter bonded and we're so close at first. Things seemed perfect. Now, he won't keep her for even 2 hours to let me get groceries, let alone let me spend any time with friends without her going along. I've gone to one concert in the last year, and had to find her a baby sitter. I haven't got anywhere else unless she could go. I am feeling burnt out because I'm around kids all day demanding my every bit of attention. Then, have zero break from the time she and I leave my work until I go to sleep. I have to find a babysitter during the dog show, even, because he isn't willing to keep her despite staying home.

I just have no clue what to do. I don't make enough money to move, nor could I find a place for 6 dogs ranging 50-180lbs. I'm alone, no parents or grandparents, and I've alienated my friends since I can't hang out with them without being guilted. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. On top of everything, my PTSD has me stuck inside my own head, making little things seem worse.