My poor friend, what should I do?

Question

A very close friend of mine gave birth to her beautiful still born baby girl this weekend at 39+4. I am currently 31 weeks and can’t stop thinking about my friend and this devastating time for her and her husband. My mother and my best friend have have organising my baby shower but it feels wrong to even go ahead with it. I don’t feel like I can celebrate this pregnancy when my friend is heartbroken and dealing with the loss of her daughter. What do you think I should do? I am so upset for her and guilty for being pregnant, and the last thing I want to do is flaunt this pregnancy when she is going through this devastating time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer

This is such a hard line to walk... I lost a baby at 16 weeks and can give some advice from your friends perspective (while recognizing that I didn’t suffer nearly as much as she did.)
One thing you should NOT do is totally disappear. Your friend will soon come to see she can be happy for you and sad for herself. I have one friend who discovered she was pregnant shortly after my loss and she literally fell of the face of the earth (to spare me), didnt invite me to things she normally would have, and now we haven’t spoken in a year! It has been so hurtful even though she thought she was doing the right thing. Don’t do that. She is a grown up and needs you. 
Second, the most helpful thing I found is people who keep on checking in on me. The acute period (first month), people are always around. Keep checking in with her after that, after most people will have forgotten. 
Third, ASK your friend what she wants from you. You are right it might be too much for her to see you. Since you were pregnant together, she may want some space. But those are choices SHE gets to make and you shouldn’t make them for her. Send an invite to your shower, with a personal note saying you understand if she doesn’t want to come, but you don’t want to exclude her because you love her. Reach out to her by text to check in, but leave a note saying no need to respond and you understand if she wants space. Let her decide what works for her. Then keep checking in without disappearing. 
And as others have said— don’t let this stop you from celebrating your own pregnancy. Your pregnancy deserves to be honored, just as hers does. I am sure she wouldn’t want you to neglect celebrating your pregnancy, especially now that she has seen what a fragile miracle it is to try to bring a child into the world.

Answer

Very sad for your friend. But you are allowed to celebrate your milestones. It’s not flaunting. Be supportive to her. But don’t stop your life.

Answer

This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry. If I was you, I would continue with my shower but bring something meaningful into it for her, in honor of her baby. What if at your shower you had all the ladies make or write cards to kids at your local children's hospital, to honor the baby? Or discreetly asked attendees to bring gently used donations for your local women's shelter or pregnancy resource center? And then of course share with your friend that something was done to give back in memory/celebration of her lost child. You seem like a very caring person and maybe bringing that element to your own shower would help make a tough situation feel more positive. ❤️ Hugs

Answer

I can understand what you mean, you sound like a very considerate person but I think that you should go ahead with your baby shower be understanding if your friend doesn’t attend, you could ask your friend or one of her family or other friends if there is anything you can do to help be aware that maybe she doesn’t want to see you and try not to take it personally it’s mostly likely a trigger for her to see you pregnant.
your baby and you deserve a celebration you’re about to become a mother and that is a huge milestone in life whether it’s your first baby or not.
my mum had this happen to a friend of hers they were due a few weeks apart and mums friend ended up having a still birth it was hard for her to be around my mum while still pregnant and up until my sister was a few weeks old but now mums friend is able to look at my sister and see what stage her son would have been at, she never wanted mum to not celebrate my sister, it’s just that she needed time to grieve and it was too painful of a reminder at the time.

Answer

This happened to someone I'm very close to a year ago. It's very painful and very hard. Let her know you love her and care about her but give her space . She may want space from lots of
People for a long time. Just continue to check in weekly and let her know you love
Her.
She may not respond and that is ok.

Answer

So sad. I wouldn’t cancel your shower, just also wouldn’t expect her to be there.  I had 2 first trimester losses and hadn’t gone public yet.  I couldn’t bring myself to attend showers for a while, but still wished my friends well while making up excuses for my absence.  
I felt bad missing it but I definitely wouldn’t have been able to handle it, and that’s not good for anyone at the party.

Answer

That’s so sad. I’m really sorry to hear about the entire situation. I can sort of relate bc my older sister is struggling with fertility issues for the last few years and I got pregnant as a welcome surprise. I felt like I couldn’t announce my pregnancy or post pictures or anything for a long time to be respectful of her. It’s a really thin line to walk I think. Just be mindful and talk to your friend and if you can try to gauge where she’s at. At the same time, for me... I personally realized that although my sister is struggling... my baby still deserves to be celebrated at a baby shower or through announcing. As a mom, I also have to put my baby’s needs in front of others. My daughter deserves the excitement. Best of luck. I know this is tough but your baby deserves celebration no matter what tragedy others may be going through.

Answer

Oh my, that is SO heartbreaking. Do they know what happened? 😩
I got pregnant right after my best friend’s miscarriage and felt so guilty. It also made men incredibly nervous for my little one. I have no advice but to be there for your friend in any way she needs you. So sorry

My poor friend, what should I do?

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