I had a tiny bit of spotting Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, talked to a very reassuring nurse on Wednesday and then had no spotting the rest of Wednesday, Thursday, or earlier today, so I was feeling totally relieved and sure everything was fine. Now I’m having light spotting again and completely freaking out.

I *know* this can be totally normal and common at this stage, I tell other people that all the time. But I also know sometimes it isn’t. My miscarriage in October started with really light spotting this exact same week of pregnancy, and I spent ages reading posts about how it was nothing to worry about and tried to hold out hope even as it escalated over a few days to increasingly heavy bleeding. So I don’t really feel like it helps or calms me down right now to think about it can be completely normal, because I also know all too well that might not be the case.

If we lose this pregnancy, we aren’t going to try again. So this is my last shot at my last baby. I’m so lucky to have 2 healthy kids, but they’re 13 years apart, and we had gotten really attached to the idea of giving our youngest a sibling close in age and having two grow up together. If I lose this pregnancy I’ll be mourning not just the loss of one pregnancy but of this entire vision we had for our family. At least last time I was able to just focus on trying again.

I know there’s nothing I can do right now but wait and see, I’m just so terrified and wanted to talk to people who understand.