Do you feel protective of your assaulter?
I was sexually abused by my dad from a very young age until about age 13. Even after the abuse stopped, I would find pictures of myself on his camera that I don't remember ever being taken of me, and I once discovered him watching me bathe, and he had apparently been doing it for a long time. While I had told a few people I had been molested, I always protected his identity. I didn't feel like I should protect his identity, but I wanted to. Sometimes I pictured his life in jail if I told, and I truly felt sorry for him. Like, how could I put him in prison? I guess I long for the picture of normalcy that everyone sees. He is very sick now, and will die within a couple of years, and I'm not sure how I will grieve his death. It makes me sad, but sometimes I'm also indifferent.
It's like I want our relationship to move along like gears are supposed to grind, but some pieces don't quite fit right and jams things up sometimes. I can almost feel normal, but then I remember what did to me for so long, and then I feel so angry. It's an emotional roller coaster...has anyone had similar feelings or situations?
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