Two Beauties and One Hell of a Beast

Knowing all of this about myself, I wondered why I wasn't attracting people, where my best friend since childhood would be going through boyfriends like her vibrator batteries, many of which were older than her. I had always been jealous of her because of this, and the one time I did think I was attractive, I was sexually assaulted. So that was yet another blow to my confidence. I had to finally come to accept that i can't actively search to be happy in that sense, I just had to let go and it would find me.

Recently, I went camping with a bunch of friends. We were all partying, hanging out, just having a fantastic time. A man came up to me asking me if I had any water bottles he may drink. I have him one and didn't think much of it since he walked away, but I had a lasting little impression that nagged at my brain. I ended up bumping into him later that night, and once we started talking, it was instant chemistry. I have honestly never felt such a strong connection with another human in my life. Not with my mother, sister, friends. No one. We even share the same birthday, which is very meaningful to me since I believe in astrology. 

When I found out he was 30, I couldn't help but wonder if he was just looking for sex or if he was genuinely interested in me. He had several chances even to kiss me but he didn't. In my shoes, it was obvious that I liked him and it was easy to tell he was interested in me, but I didn't know why he held out, thinking he didn't like me after all. 

After the weekend ended, I found him on Facebook and he almost immediately Facebook messaged me. After that initial day, we have talked without fail every single day. I fell more and more in love with the person he is on the inside, which was effortless over phone calls and messaging. His looks are just a bonus for me, and this was even better when we discovered Skype. Now, all the while, he lives in Rhode Island and I had to move to Florida for college. I was feeling hopeless about seeing him, knowing that we both felt a mutual connection. His words stuck to me like warm honey. 

Eventually, another camping trip came around and he had asked me if he could fly me up for the weekend. I was shocked, wondering how he could just spend that kind of money to see me. After much reassuring and comforting, I finally said yes. Now, I wasn't hesitant because of him, I just didn't know if I was deserving of such a kind act. I never once thought he would hurt me or expect a sexual favor in return. And as it turns out, my premonitions were true. We had only kissed that weekend and he didn't once ask to hook up with me. I have never felt so safe in my life than when I slept beside him with his arm around me. The warmth of his body and breath made me melt. The last day, he took me back to his house so I could spend the night there before my plane home the next day. He had taken me to see his hometown, meet his parents, took me to the bar he worked at to eat and (I later found out) to show me off to his friends and coworkers. It was when we went home that I asked him to take my virginity. He was happy that I asked him and verbalized that he wanted me to be comfortable with him. So we took it slow, in stages. I have an anxiety disorder that prevents me from getting or feeling intimate with people, but I have never once felt this anxiety when talking with him or sleeping with him, which is a big deal to me. He has even killed many of my anxiety attacks. And when we had sex, it wasn't sex. That night I knew the definition of making love. There was such a deep connection, feeling like two souls uniting. We felt like one entity. It was safe, consensual, and it has been something we've been talking about a lot ever since. Not talking about the sex, but the intimacy of us just being together like that. It still blows both of our minds that we have been so interested in each other and how we have been making the long distance thing work. And that's just it. This relationship is no work at all, no effort. The way me makes me feel important in the world, I haven't even gotten from my friends. 

Talking to him as much as I do has made me wonder how I have ever gotten so lucky. But Another discussion we had was regarding the fact that I AM 1209 miles away. He is a bartender, and I am in college. I am convinced he will meet someone else and he doesn't think so, but he thinks I will meet someone better and I don't think so. I have already made those kinds of experiments and mistakes, I'm not looking for that to make the "college experience". The thought of him makes my heart swell, and he has teared up over Skype just describing how good a person I am. Coming from other people I wouldn't believe it, but coming from him, everything is right. He tells me that when he looks at me and talks to me, so many things in the world make sense. And he expressed how much that scares him because of our age difference and distance. He is afraid he is being selfish in taking my freedom of talking to other guys. In my opinion, talking to one guy who makes me feel like I know the definition of love is worth so much more than screwing around with many just so say I did. My parents love him, but I don't think they even know the extent our relationship has reached. He once told me that he loves his life up in Rhode Island and he wouldn't leave his life for anything. But with the next breath he explained how scary it was for him because I make him think otherwise. Saying that if there was a guaranteed job and livin situation down here in Florida, he would move here. He wants nothing more than to just be with me, see my smile and be the cause of it, feed me, sleep next to me, protect me, travel with me, and show me off to the world. He even told me that if I can leave my whole life to better myself and my education, he would be able to do that for someone he loves.  Which scares the hell out of him because of the short time we've known each other. He has dated many girls, only been in love once, and I genuinely make his heart swell more than any other person, family or friend or girlfriend. He has even mentioned that he doesn't want kids for a while, but that I am the exact person he wants to father his childeren. That I would make a fantastic mother when I am at a more appropriate age. Knowing he feels this way makes him hesitate to make any rash decisions, because he and I both want to think about things as realistically as possible. I look into his eyes and I know the definition of love without words to even possibly describe it. He has even bought another plane ticket to visit me in November. 

What breaks my heart is I do not want to tie him down for the four years  Im away at college, and he doesn't want me to resent him for not experiencing that side of college. Yet, talking about it to each other, neither of us feel like we will find someone better. We are the exact person we have been seeking to find, and when both of us weren't expecting it, our paths crossed. Some of my friends are hesitant because of the age diffference, but in all honesty, I couldn't even care about his age. He doesn't make me feel younger than him at all. I know I have a much higher maturity level than my peers for the fact that many adults over the course of my life have mistaken me as one of them. Teachers, strangers, many elders, all believe me to be older- not because of looks necessarily, but because of how I act and present myself. I don't give a damn what people think about the age difference. 

My question to you all, if any of you made it to the end, is what to do about our situation? We cannot imagine life without knowing eschother. But I am in college and neither of us want me to transfer just for him, and I don't want to be selfish and have him leave his whole life just to move down here. Any thoughts on this beast?