I feel so guilty

I didn’t want to get pregnant. I got the copper iud for a reason. I was finally getting my body back after my son. Here I am almost twelve weeks with baby number two after my other one turned one. But I’m not excited like I should be.

I wasn’t ready. My body still needs to mend from the scaring from the brutal emergency cesarean. I needed more time with him alone. I needed more time to learn about myself as a new mom and when I’d even be ready for another one. If I wanted another one.

I’m so sad that I am not excited. Because I have lost a baby before. I know how hard it is to try and conceive. I know the pain of negative after negative month after month and to finally have a baby just to lose them at 11 weeks. I know our son was a miracle after that.

But I don’t know why I can’t feel that way this time.

My birth control was in place. It was only put in 6 months ago.

I was just starting to lose some weight and exercise well and feel like I was getting a normal routine down.

I must be awful for not being excited or happy for this change. I really hope I’m not alone. I am scared.

Does it get easier? Does it get exciting?