I can’t

When I was 14 years old I met this guy he was older than me .. he was always drunk and curse it me out calling me bitch etc . The day I give him my everything when I was 17 years old he said I’m a whore because he wasn’t the first one because I didn’t bleed! The truth I was raped when I was 4 and 12 and he knew about it .anyways years past and I got married when I was 18 with him just because immigration almost deport him ( I’m a us citizen ) so anyways married was crazy one year was fine but then he start to get mean and like he smack me one time I did the same and he throw all my clothes outside break phones earphones childish things every time I say let’s go out lest do something he didn’t want to Or if I say can you give me love he would say go find out someone else . Not to mention everyday I wake up my underwear was down idk if that’s normal or what and I went to a party one day and I cheat with this old friend .i felt so so so bad and I decided to leave home because of it he knew about it and after months he said he forgive me and come back . Came back now of course I’m a whore I’m this am that he don’t drink anymore now he is “Christian “ but before I couldn’t do anything now it’s worse I can’t even sleep late or be in the living room he wants me to be with him al the time and sleep when he sleeps .. I want to travel and he said to forget about that that’s it going to happen . I’m going to school for nursing and it’s a struggle stressful and y pay everything for me but then he don’t want me to study nights or works nights nothing like I want to go this is so so bad my mom don support me she support him she said I’m the devil and idk anymore I feel so bad I know what I did these no excuse that’s cheating that’s it but I can’t do this anymore .. I need to leave but I feel so devil and guilty I feel I deserved this ( I’m not making excuses for what I did )

update :

For those are saying cheating it’s disgusting ! Well thank you you make me feel worse because I already feel that way because I know but anyways ! I decided to leave so I’m leaving soon ! It’s hard Im but itself here and I only have him I’m going to school paying a lot of money and no good job! But God just with a new job and go smart !! Thank you guys this is definitely crazy !!! I can’t even sleep late he would watch me and don’t leave me alone :(